Disclaimer: This article is going to be reasonably offensive. I am going to be making fun of the D-bags and shit biscuits that deliberately try to offend people, especially on such a sacred day as Halloween, but in the process I'm going to be talking about some touchy subjects. If you are weak of stomach, or easily bruised of ego, pass not the threshold shaped like Steve Jobs grinning maniacally at you from beyond the grave.
If you are naive enough to think that black turtlenecks are flying off the shelves because the Beatnick movement is coming back, you have your fingers far from the pulse of this community. Steve Jobs is going to be the costume. And some of them are gonna be offensive.
I get that he died. Zombie Steve Jobs, Cryogenically Frozen Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs' identity implanted in a giant iPad, Steve Wozniak with Steve Jobs' brain in a jar, it's all gonna happen. And they're gonna put a turtleneck on the jar. I'm telling you people, you think it's funny now because you're inside and you're the only one making that joke. But the moment you are out on the street and it looks like Steve Jobs stepped through his own John Malkovich door, the joke will have already been dead.
Just like Steve Jobs.
We're gonna see a few of these. People roaming around with an empty bassinet, telling everyone their kid is at Disney World. This one can be funny if done right, but will still probably get you a few razor-blade nougats.
So Casey Anthony is bad, but nothing is quite as wrong as wrapping your kid up in a dirty blanket and calling them Caylee.
The Gaddafi Ghost
This is probably going to be the most common of the five, just based on how recent it was, and how ugly guys will think it will make them more interesting at parties. It won't.
But the biggest problem is that everyone is going to do it wrong. They are going to wrap their drapes around their shoulders, powder their face and say "Boo!" a lot. It's gonna be terrible. There's really only one right way to do it.
Go to a really fancy linen store. I can't think of an example, because I've never been to even a regular linen store. Anyway, go there, and find the gaudiest, ugliest, most appalling pattern you can find. Then, you grab an unfitted queen size (king if you're a big guy), cut two holes for the eyes and another two for the arms. Then you have to put a crazy clashing hat and jacket on top of it, and never stop giving crazy eyes.
And don't bother paying for the sheet. If the salespeople try to stop you, just blow up their families. You're a psychotic despot. And if you're going to dress as the soul of an evil madman, you might as well sell it.
A Generic Republican Candidate that could Defeat Obama
It's the Greendale College Human Being mascot, in a suit.
Actually, that's pretty funny. Get your shit together, Republicans. This is embarrassing.
10 Year Anniversary of the 2001 Most Inappropriate Co-Op Costumes
And, of course, we come to this. Ten years ago, a bunch of drunken idiots thought it would be funny to come as the Twin Towers for Halloween. Less than two months after it had happened. Fortunately, many of these people were ejected from this country on ice flows.
However, we're now experiencing the ten year anniversary of that tragic event. Everyone is trying to capitalize it, going so far as to sell 9/11 Commemorative Wine. And that's going to give a bunch of new jackasses an idea. Guess what? Ten years later, it's still not funny. It's not funny when you put on zombie makeup in order to inform them that the World Trade Center may be a thing of the past, and it's not funny when you use wire to hang a plane from you. I'm not saying 9/11 is off limits for jokes. I'm saying your jokes aren't good enough.
But hell, at least it's better than them dressing up as the wine.
If you are amused, follow me @ZackSWest on twitter. That is all.