In recent years nerds have made the transition from oft-mocked members of the public to unassuming sex symbols. Unfortunately, even though comic books, large glasses, video games and even Star Trek have now been accepted as “cool”, many nerds are still uncertain when it comes to taking their newfound geek-chic and applying it to the bedroom.
Fortunately I’ve compiled a list of moves that you dorks can use the next time you want to impress your woman, ensuring that she’ll be anxiously awaiting the next time you Live Long in her Prosper.
“The Batman” is a foreplay move that is notorious in geek circles, and if done correctly it will ensure that your partner will let you park your Batmobile in her Batcave and Riddler her Robin.
Darken the room but leave only a single bright light shining on your partner as she sits upright in the bed. Skulk around the bed, utilizing the shadows to sneak up on her every so often to teasingly scare her. Do not do this so often that she is paralyzed with fear; you simply want to create an unbearably tense atmosphere where she is uncertain of when you will pounce on her – kind of like a first date. The fear
Finally, jump from out of the shadows and grab her head from behind, slamming it into the headboard. After doing this, repeatedly ask her where Harvey Dent is; if she responds, exit the bedroom for 2 and a half hours, leaving her locked inside whilst you run around the neighbourhood in spandex searching for the district attorney. If she doesn’t, call an ambulance.
The Tattooine Slave Girl
Strip off to your Y-Fronts and order 16 Domino’s Meat Feasts. When they arrive, rub them across your semi-naked body until you are a putrid shade of yellow. Wait for your partner to arrive at your house (the longer she takes the more prominent your stench will be – this is a good thing), and as soon as she steps through the door ambush her and tie her up.
The Tattooine Slave Girl is a position that is all about longevity; the longer that you keep your partner chained to your side, the more effective it will be. Don’t let seasonal holidays stop you, either – take her to Thanksgiving, Halloween, even Christmas. Your family won’t mind. Judging by your past experiences with women your Dad will probably just be happy that you aren’t “one of those homosexuals”.
The Cap’n Kirk
This move will require many willing participants and a lot of transportation, so those who are seeking an urgent sex move need not apply. Firstly, you must bed your partner. You can do this whichever way you like, but make sure that when you leave her bedroom (it must take place in her bedroom as Kirk never sh*ts where he eats) you leave her with a parting monologue, just so she knows that she’ll find never find anyone as dashing and heroic as you.
Upon exiting her humble abode, get in your car and drive to as many different locations as possible within the next 7 days, bedding as many women as possible. Finally, return to your partner, and tell her that she’s the only one for you, locking in a sweet, gentle embrace with her. Then punch her in the mouth, like so.
NOTE: This move is sometimes referred to as “The Sean Connery”.
For authenticity purposes you may want to attempt to find a female with disproportionately large breasts for this move, although it isn’t a necessity. Firstly, have as minimal verbal contact in the bedroom with your partner as possible – if either of you give any indication to each other that you have any sort of discernible personality, you are doing it wrong.
After 20 or so minutes of complete silence, finally begin conversing using only tired one-liners. Let this continue for another hour. You will eventually grow to resent each other, but as you’re the only male and female in the vicinity it is inevitable that you will have sex.
When you eventually get around to the sex, ensure that your bodies are completely unexposed; no-one wants to anger all those Mother protest groups and out-of-touch politicians. Conclude the sex by stopping yourself pre-ejaculation, getting into your car and searching for prostitutes to run over. Achieve bonus points by retrieving money from their lifeless bodies.