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There have been certain unwritten laws passed through generations of men that supposedly tell us how best to lead our lives: how to attract women, what to wear, how to cure a hangover etc. Unfortunately, most of the information that’s been passed onto us over the years isn’t as helpful as we’ve been led to believe. In fact, a lot of these “truths” are complete myths, and as Crave Online’s resident “Guy Who Repeatedly Tells You How to Live Your Life”, I feel it is my duty to inform you as such.
Prepare to abandon everything you once thought you knew about your testosterone-fuelled existence, as I debunk the top 5 Man-Myths.
1. Nice Guys Finish Last
The Myth: Women fail to appreciate the friendly, jovial guy with the sweet disposition and the penchant for spontaneously buying her beautiful bouquets of flowers, instead opting for the guy with the sunken eyes, propping up the bar with a whiskey and threatening to stab the guy next to him.
The Truth: Compile a list of men who you think women find attractive. How many of them are arseholes? Sure, George Clooney may drop women faster than he drops his trousers, but he still seems like the kind of guy you could for a beer with. If a girl tells you that she’s not interested in you because you’re “too nice”, she actually means that you’re “boring as fuck”.
2. The Perfect Hangover Cure is to Drink Again
The Myth: If you’re feeling particularly rough in the morning following a heavy drinking session, most men will inform you that the best way to combat the looming agonising headache and inevitable longing for death is to simply get yourself to a bar and start the binge-drinking process all over again.
The Truth: Back in ye olde days, men would be given a plentiful supply of whiskey in order to quell the pain they would experience whilst undergoing amputations without anaesthesia. If alcohol could help men overcome losing limbs, then it’s unquestionable that it can help you in overcoming your headache; however, just as the amputated men would wake up in the morning with a hangover and a missing leg, you’ll wake up the next morning with an (even worse) hangover and missing dignity.
3. Women Love a Heavily Styled Guy
The Myth: If you leave the house without your hair waxed into a shape vaguely resembling Psyduck and your skin the shade of a mahogany coffee table, then women won’t even give you a second glance.
The Truth: Y’know those second glances you keep getting from women? Yeah, it’s because you look like Psyduck and your skin’s the shade of a mahogany coffee table. They aren’t thinking “Wow, he looks orange, I must sleep with him!” They’re thinking “Pikachu! I choose you!”
4. Brawn > Brain
The Myth: When faced with the dilemma of choosing a guy with ripped abs but the mental capability of a wet sock or an average-looking guy with, y’know, a decent personality, women will always choose the former.
The Truth: Although it is undeniable that women aren’t adverse to a guy with a hint of muscle definition, how far can things really go with a guy whose only conversation topics are “dur-hur-hur” and “boobies”? If you’ve got intelligence then its by-products charisma and humour should certainly serve you better in your pursuit of women than the brawny guys “me Tarzan, you Jane” routine.
5. Geekiness is Uncool
The Myth: Your expansive collection of video games and dedication to the works of the DC Universe will slowly devour you, forcing you to fall downwards into a pit of loneliness whilst all the cool kids point and laugh at you.
The Truth: It’s the 21st century. We’re at a point where a man talking about his myriad of Mac’s will lead people to believe that he is wealthy and successful rather than a bearded basement dweller. If there was any time in history to embrace your geekiness the year 2011 would be it, as all the kids in high school who taunted you for your unfaltering admiration of the NES are now brutally maiming each other just to get their hands on the latest Call of Duty. Live Long and Prosper, geeks.