Awhile ago, we posted our list of 90s things we’d like to see make a comeback. However, like a sweet, delicious Squeeze Pop, we decided there was more 90s goodness to be squeezed into our brains. So here’s a new list about things we miss from the era of Hammer Pants that are not Hammer Pants:
Kickass Saturday Morning Cartoons
As Hollywood makes love to (read: violently rapes) the cartoon franchises of the 80s, many are remembering that the 90s took Saturday morning to a whole other level of awesomery. Comedies like Pinky and the Brain, Ren and Stimpy, Eek the Cat, The Tick and Goof Troop are still funny to this day, while action cartoons like X-Men, Batman: The Animated Series, Ninja Turtles and Pokemon are as kickass as ever.
On the school bus, we would dare each other to eat sour Warheads without chewing them or spitting them out. There’s just not enough food that you have to dare people to eat these days. Food shouldn’t just be about whether it’s healthy or organic or fart. Food should be a passage into manhood, but without having to kill a deer. [image via]
Clothing today is decidedly un-gimmicky. Sure, hipsters wear crazy suspenders and classic Game Boys as necklaces, but I like the occasional crazy t-shirt gimmick. Something beyond just catchphrases and graphics, that will give you a casual excuse to touch ladies. “Does the fabric around your boobs change color as well,” a suave gentleman might inquire. [image via]
Optical illusions are awesome! Why did America decide to stop looking at something cross-eyed for a moment, then slowly pull back to reveal a secret image? I’m guessing Magic Eyes don’t work as well on screens… so maybe this category should also include “printed novelty books?” [image via]
Yes, catchphrases can be annoying and hacky. Ironically, here’s “Saturday Night Live” pointing that out. However, that being said, I’d rather have a decade’s worth of hilarious comedy catchphrases – “d’oh,” “not that there’s anything wrong with that,” SNL’s own “schwing!” – with a few terrible ones mixed in (“wassaaaaaaaap!”) – than practically none at all.
Laughing Skull Computer Viruses
These days, hackers make front page news by hacking politicians’ email accounts and bringing down the websites of major credit card companies. I miss the good ol’ days when they spent most of their time perfecting their laughing skull animations. Also, while I’m grateful for the superior speed, I miss hearing those crazy “handshaking” modem noises – they made me feel like I was going online, as opposed to just the constant online-ness I’m in now.
Do I have to drink artificially created bull piss in order to get buzzed? Jolt Cola was a caffeine high in a can, and parents strongly disapproved of it, which makes the soft drink that much better. Also, unlike the original Four Loko, it probably won’t kill you. You’ll live to drink another Jolt!
When you’re bored at a regular bar, there’s not much to do except keep drinking and keep feeling bad about your life. At an arcade, there’s always something to do. If your friends haven’t shown up yet or there are no cute girls to talk to (the latter of which probably happened a lot), you could always shove quarters into Mortal Kombat and decapitate a guy. [image via]
Making a mix CD or mix zip file of MP3s is easier than making a cassette tape, but obviously not better. To make a mixtape, you had to time out the songs perfectly to make sure they’d fit on that blank Maxell, or you’d inevitably cut off half of The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony.” If you did that on the tape you made for Stephanie McGill, she’d break up with you before you even got to second. It’s a lost art form. [image via]
The Unstoppable American Economy
Oh yeah. That guy. [image via]
Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator: The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans! Header via.