In recent years we’ve watched two of our nation’s most popular comedians go all Beatles on us and take an extended vacation to the US, with Ricky Gervais popping up at various awards ceremonies and chat shows to promote his seemingly never-ending catalogue of TV shows and DVDs, and Russell Brand disappearing into the wilderness with Katy Perry And Her Technicolour Haircut.
However, now it seems we may have wrestled one of them back onto our shores, as Brand and Perry came to the amicable decision that they’re both fed up with each other and filed for divorce. But this begs the question: just how did he do it in the first place? In terms of celebrity relationships this one ranks right up there with the kid from Home Alone going home to Mila Kunis every night (yeah, that did actually happen) and it leaves the rest of us back here in gloomy England feeling a bit… well… jealous.
But if Russell can do it then we can too, right? Well probably not, but there’s no harm in trying, so here’s a compilation of tips taken right from the Brand/Perry romance to help you on your way to securing a romance with the newly single Californian Gurl.
Step 1: Break America
The American Dream: Get a good job with a high salary and an expensive car that lets your suburbanite neighbours know that You Mean Business. Get a flashy model/popstar girlfriend to sit in your company car with you while you drive to a charity event for AIDs/Panda’s/whatever is popular these days and get your smug face and your girlfriends surgically enhanced buttocks in as many red carpet photographs as possible.
The British Dream: Try to break America.
While breaking America might not seem like that much of a daunting task (it is, after all, bloody big enough to find yourself at least a small fanbase) it has overwhelmed more than a few of our most famous stars.
Take Robbie Williams, for example. His beer-bellied charm worked wonders on English Mom’s, but didn’t have the same effect on those in the US. If you’re going to want to make it big in America you’re going to have to bring something new to the table, which in the case of Russell Brand was inventing as many different names for his penis as humanly possible.
Step 2: After finally breaking America, offend everyone there.
Though Russell Brand is most famous in the US for being “that British guy who married Katy Perry” (now “that British guy who divorced Katy Perry”), before that he was most famous for taking to the stage at the VMAs and offending everyone from George Bush supporters to *gasp* Jonas Brothers fans.
But clearly this is something of an initiation process for Englishmen trying to forge a career for themselves in the US, what with Ricky Gervais’ “career-ending” performance as host of The Golden Globes, and if you want to continue to make a name for yourself after finally being accepted by America then you’re going to have to ruffle a few feathers, too. Dress up as President Obama, turn up to a film premiere and tell everyone there that “Nascar is just blokes driving their cars round in circles”. That should do it.
Step 3: Put up with her job
Considering Russell Brand is well-known for being articulate, it must’ve irked him somewhat that his wife penned songs that included lyrics such as “think I need a ginger ale/that was such an epic fail” and “you’re so gay and you don’t even like boys”.
But, like a true stubborn Brit, he soldiered through it. This means that you should, too. After you’ve broken America and subsequently nearly ruined your career there by bemoaning Nascar, you should’ve finally grabbed the attention of Miss Perry. This means that you’ll now need to accept her popstardom and all those lyrics, including the one that goes “you’re in then you’re out/you’re up then your down/you’re wrong when it’s right/it’s black when it’s white”.
This also means that you’ll need to turn up to her live shows and pretend to enjoy what sounds like a bag of screeching cats being thrown against a brick wall for two hours.
Step 4: Marry Her
Well you’ve made it this far, now there’s only really one road to go down. You’ve got to marry her. What, you thought you could have a romance with a pop megastar without eventually having to put a ring on her finger? Nope. You’ve got to marry her, continue loving her for one month, pretend to love her for two, pretend to like her for three and then resent her for five before getting a divorce and writing an autobiography about the whole experience. My thoughts go out to both you and Katy Perry in this difficult time.
