Sex: the prize at the end of a long, bleak, vodka-stained tunnel. In theory it should be easy to get it – there are enough single women out there for every single man – but in actuality the road along the way is often filled with rejection and the gnawing feeling that you're making a bit of a tit out of yourself.
Here are 5 tips to help you finally reach the light at the end of that tunnel.
1. Wear less cologne
You could be forgiven for thinking that after purchasing a bottle of cologne so expensive that the only way its price tag could be justified is if it was God’s piss, you should then lather it across your neck, chest, arms, wrists and testicles in order to increase the possibility of you going home with someone tonight.
However, your best bet is to be more subtle with your scent; two squirts on the neck and two squirts on the chest should ensure that you stand out from the crowd without setting fire to the hairs in her nostrils.
2. Don’t overdress
Just like you wouldn’t wear a pair of Jesus sandals and a beanie hat to a wedding, you should never wear a three-piece suit to go clubbing. You may think that you look like Sean Connery standing at the bar swirling your Jack ‘n’ Coke, but in actuality you look like an alien who has crash landed onto planet Earth with no prior experience in socialising with human beings.
That’s not saying you shouldn’t wear expensive clothes – in fact, the more expensive the better – but if what you’re wearing requires you to wear cufflinks and do up the top button of your shirt then you’re doing it wrong.
3. Smile more often
It’s a myth that women are drawn to the miserable bastard sitting at the bar looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. While the moody, silent type is often portrayed as a heart throb in the movies, in real life your glazed expression, sunken eyes and Zoolander pout will get you nowhere.
Women are drawn to popularity and confidence, meaning that you severely heighten your chances of taking someone home if you remove that Edward Cullen glare from across your face and instead adopt a more Ferris Bueller approach to your night out – y’know, actually enjoy yourself.
4. Check your body language
Trying to hold a conversation with a member of the opposite sex whilst trying to portray yourself as charming, witty and fun is difficult enough without worrying where to place your hands, and you may think that as long as you don’t idly make a grab for their boobs then you’re alright.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Your body language is key when in conversation – crossing your arms makes you look too defensive, putting your hands in your pockets makes you look disinterested and grabbing their backside makes you liable for sexual assault. Just make the impression that you’re comfortable to be in her presence and in no way are you absolutely terrified that she’ll reject you and send you back to your life of crippling loneliness.
5. Switch your phone off
If on a first date you decide that your iPhone is more worthy of your time than the girl you’re sitting opposite, then chances are that she won’t be too keen on spending another day in your company.
It’s the 21st century and it’s increasingly difficult to leave the house without frequently checking up on what every single person you’ve ever met is doing on Facebook, but when reading a status update on how Gary has washed his car or how Stacey has just took her dog for a walk might affect your chances of having sex, you really should turn that phone off and talk to the girl you’ve spent the past month tirelessly convincing to go out with you.