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4 Lies That We Tell Our Girlfriends

Caution: don't let your girlfriend read this.

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Sometimes lying is a lot easier than telling the truth, especially when the truth involves admitting to your girlfriend that you watch porn.

Here are 4 common lies that you tell your other half:

 

Lie #1: “I don’t watch porn – sex with you is enough for me”

As a loyal and loving boyfriend you feel that it is your duty to convince your girlfriend that since dating her you have become a sexless drone with a penis that remains permanently flaccid when not in her company. You admit that you find other girls “good-looking” but never “sexy” or “fit as f***”, as doing so would suggest that you’re the kind of guy who visits YouPorn when she’s fast asleep in the next room.

When one day she inevitably asks you if you do watch porn, you turn to her with a look in your eyes that says “please don’t search through my browser history” and reply: “why would I need porn now I’ve got you?”

Don’t worry, she’ll never find out about that time you had a threesome with your right hand and a 2-minute Jenna Haze video. Nor will she find out about that time when you got curious and Googled ‘midget bondage orgy’.

 

Lie #2: “I’m just gonna have a quiet drink with the boys”

You’re getting older. With age comes more responsibilities, and with more responsibilities comes the looming fear that pretty soon you won’t be able to wake up next to a puddle of your own vomit without your family organising an intervention. This fear makes you want to drink more, much to the chagrin of your girlfriend who last weekend had to hold you over the toilet at 3am while you threw up what can only be described as a medley of kebab, cider and carrots.

So when your mates call you up this weekend to do it all over again, you assure your girlfriend that it’s only going to be a “quiet one” and that you “might not even drink”; 6 hours later and you’re calling her to tell that you love her so much and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, whilst simultaneously trying not to fall into a urinal.

 

Lie #3: “I agree with you, she’s an ugly skank”

In a relationship there will be more than a fair share of moments when you will be forced to prove your credentials as a boyfriend. The most frequent of these is the moment when you pass a good-looking girl on the street and your other half catches you looking at her. “Do you think she’s attractive?” she asks. There are three possible answers you can reply to this trick question with:

A: You tell the truth and say that you do find her attractive, but that you’re not in love with her like you are with your girlfriend so your attraction is inconsequential.

B: Respond with “YEAH, SHE’S F***ING FIT, I’D RIDE HER LIKE A CART HORSE!”

Or C: Tell her that you do not find her attractive and that you were only looking at her because you were repulsed by the awful slutty skirt she was wearing.

Sadly, I think we all know which option you are going to choose.

 

Lie #4: “I’m going to start hitting the gym next month”

Now that you’re not single you convince yourself that you no longer need to bother looking presentable; instead you’re going to spend the rest of your days eating Snickers bars while sitting on the sofa, watching repeats of Scrubs. This doesn’t please your girlfriend who has witnessed your stomach expand week after week, your poor eating habits and lack of exercise leading you to look like a seal that has forced a pair of chino’s over the lower half of its body.

As she raises her concerns about your ballooning weight with you, you tell her not to worry. “I’m going to hit the gym again next month”, you assure her. Then the next month comes and passes. Then another month. And another. Finally, you crack under the pressure and agree to go jogging three times a week. Unfortunately for your girlfriend, the jogging is kind of negated when your destination is KFC. 

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