Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): You have several upcoming challenges this month. But don’t worry. Your knowledge of Dr. Who will get you out of it. Also, avoid Battlestar Galactica cosplayers at all cost.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): The force is strong with you. However, if you eat hot pockets at your current rate your colon will give-way leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Also, don’t cross the streams.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The Khal Drogo costume you ordered from Ebay will only come faster if you buy it in separate pieces from different retailers. Also, don’t be folded by the digital download offer on the Green Lantern Blu-ray. It doesn’t make the movie any better.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Joss Whedon is not going to return your calls. No matter how much you want him to. And remember, Steak and Shake does not own you as a human being. Try TGI Fridays for once in your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Think twice about getting that “Han shot first” tattoo. Your friend Mark sterilizes his needles in Mountain Dew. Avoid any permanent markings as a symbol of your devotion. If you were really hardcore, you’d sacrifice your first born to Thanos.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): This is your time. Don’t let anyone hold you back from accomplishing your goals. Sky’s the limit. Your power crystal color for this month is blue and your mortal weakness is Nickleback.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Things have been rough going for you for a while. You’re panicking because you realize Game of Thrones is half over and you can’t find all the Riddler trophies in Arkham City. YOU WILL SURIVIVE. Don’t take your own life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): For once, things are finally going your way. The Avengers turned out way better than you thought it would, the cute girl at work hasn’t noticed you checking her out yet, and you’ve finally bought your passes for comic-con. Stay the course. But beware the moor during a full moon. People will turn into werewolves.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You love life is in full bloom. Make sure you verify the picture is actually her this time and not that creepy old pedophile again.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Somehow, unbeknownst to you – you’re going to be called in as the star witness in the John Travolta “jerk me off” case. Cash in while the going’s good.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You super power crystal this month is magenta. Your Super Mario character is toad. Beware goombas and man-eating plants. If you find a whistle, save it until you REALLY need it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): It’s time to come to grips with the fact that NETFLIX is not updating with enough good titles to keep you entertained. You’ve made a good run of things, but it’s time to go back to your true love of LARPing. The old dungeon master got a job at Coffee Bean so it’s cool if you show your face again.
CRAVE ONLINE is an accredited fortune telling institution according to Bazooka Joe.