Everything Is Terrible has really refined the art of finding the unknown video. Among the gems found: instructional tapes on how to explain fashion, giant dinosaur mascots acting out rape-revenge fantasies, or yoga instructors getting a little too into downward dog with gradeschool kids and farm animals.
I'm not going to link them here. Just copy and paste that paragraph into Google. I dare you.
But today my friends, I believe I have found the Holy Grail of YouTube. Videos that are completely insane. Videos that look like they were shot in the 90's. Videos that at their max are still under 90K views.
Body Memories is described as "a personal portrait of one man's journey inward to find meaning in his life". And while I don't mean to sling stones at how somebody works through their issues, holy s*** at least I don't record any thought that pops into my head with a greenscreen and my acting troupe.
But this guy did. Let's check it out. Body Memories.
"No, Bobby, your characterization is all wrong! Start at the top, what's your 'moment before'?"
This was the first of the videos I found, and boy, this really clears the room at a party. After doing a cursory tour around the room of an Acting I class, the camera settles on our ponytailed narrator, who is reinacting the position I was in after watching Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
"NOOO!!! IT CAN'T BE TRUE, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
This same actor, who then explains that they're in a "primal scream" group, proceeds to flip out into multiple personalities, cumulating in him SCREAMING AT HIS GENITALS. Yeah, now is the point to see and believe:
It's like that scene from that Madonna video! Only with a lot less crucifixion.
You know one of the things that the ponytail guy struggles with? Being around big, tuff dudes that yell and scream. You know how he deals with it? By writing things down in his journal so f***ing fast it is impossible to believe that anything in that book is legible.
"Dear Diary, Today I AGSHA IS DGNAWEIIWRIWERUNGI"
So the only cure to his shyness is to get on stage! And then, even more logically, the once savage crowd now turns into normal men, who gather around him so tightly they compress his feelings away.
And then he marries "the moment" and breathes heavily into his microphone. Dear god, stop this video:
If you feel that any of these videos are genuinely helpful in any way so help you god, then you can check out more clips right here. And after that, if purchase is required, please go to their website and take a photo of yourself with it. You'd be my hero.
And yet! After the fire and the bonding and the screaming it does nothing. Nothing. To prepare you for the sheer delight of this final clip. Unfortunately I can't post a preview image. You just have to watch it. This video. Of the 5'9" Penis Mobile. Enjoy:
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If you prefer podcasts, guess what? I have one! I mash up history and comedy into one every week with Christian Krauspe on CRAVE Online: Historectomy