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Comic-Con 2012: A Survivor’s Record – Day 1

In which the author looks into the abyss…and the abyss tweets back.

This chronicles the events of July 12th. Header image (via) Josh Jackson of Pastemagazine.

6:30am
I awoke early, donning my My Little Pony Friendship is Magic T-Shirt.
 


7:00am
Finally setting out into the world, I anticipated the thrill of purchasing rare swag. Especially the excitement of smashing a 4-year old’s face in as I trample him to buy a limited edition S.H.E.I.L.D. Helicarrier. “Nick Fury sent me” I’ll say.


9:00am?
iPhone battery already dead. This could mean trouble. I resort to pen and paper to take notes.


10:15am
Touchdown. San Diego has transformed into a miasma of banner ads, “Defiance” marketing, and postcard hawkers. More on them later.


10:20am
I pass someone who looks like Mick Foley. I almost shout out “Hey, Mick!” but pause upon seeing him p*ssing on a nearby building. It’s a homeless man. I hand him a “I Heart Videogames” pin i recieved from a young woman wearing booty shorts as a consolation prize. I press on.  


10:45am
Before picking up my badge I see horrendous crowds of guileless people. They long ago sacrificed their humanity to be able to afford a ticket to this Ad Showcase. They are the prawn. They are the cattle.

I have a Professional badge. I don’t need no stinking money.


11:21am
Scouring the floor I score aforementioned S.H.E.I.L.D. Helicarrier. Unfortunately, no children’s blood was spilled.


11:47am
I see the booth for some TV show, Grimm. “I remember when this Con was about the Comics!” I scream. My voice is not heard. The nightmare officially begins.


12:33pm
Lunchtime. Apparently the memo was never received by the convention center kitchen staff. Carbs and fats are formed together into the shape of pizza and hot dogs. I become nauseated. Feverish. I grab a flyer from the Nickelodeon booth to dab my forehead.

I rest by a pillar to stop the room from spinning. It has been less than two hours on the show floor.

1:21pm
Receiving aide from a man in a Spider-man costume…or Spider-man himself? I am not sure…I empty out into the gaslamp district. Someone begins telling me about free Wi-Fi. More women in booty shorts. Flyers. So many flyers.

I hear a man shouting into a megaphone. I think he’s talking about god. “Sorry friend” I tell him “Look around you, what god would allow this?” I look into my swag bag. Gundam model kit, limited edition My Little Pony doll, free James Bond posters. Today was a good day.


2:30pm
I awake from my nap under a Adventure Time inflatable character in the Cartoon Network pavilion. I have p*ssed myself.


4:12pm
I retreat back to the convention floor to purchase new pants. I suppose a Superman bath robe will have to do. Suddenly garbed like the vagrants prowling for free posters I feel alive again. What have I become?


4:17pm
I finally pass Mick Foley. “Hey Mick!” I say excitedly. He turns, almost winks, then raises his middle finger in my general direction. The ultimate betrayal.

END TRANSMISSION DAY 1

 

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