Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): Congrats. This is going to be your month. Quite simply because you’re going to stop eating Chick-fil-A, not on any moral grounds, but because you will realize that lack of deep fried foods makes your poop come out surprisingly easier. Your magic GI JOE is SNAKE EYES.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): You’re going to face a major dilemma now that The Dark Knight Rises has come and gone from the theatres and there isn’t anything to look forward to. That’s okay. Start a hobby. Doubt us if you want, but we think you’d be very good at inclined bench press. You magic DINOSAUR is TRICERATOPS.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’re going to feel more and more drained now that we’re in the dog days of summer. However, your open mind is going to lead you into some very interesting places, such as the combination of waffles and chicken both on the same plate! Your magic FULL HOUSE MEMBER is DJ.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 isn’t due out for another couple months and you're starting to get pretty bored with beating Skyrim over and over. Try getting outside and questing or shooting things for yourself. We hear deer season is just ahead. Your magical VODKA is STOLI.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Depression has hit you hard since you’ve heard Peter Jackson is splitting The Hobbit into three movies. But don’t you worry. The first one is either going to be fantastic, meaning you’ll get to enjoy the experience two more times… Or it will be awful, meaning you’ll be able to save yourself the money. Your magical WRESTLING MOVE is the DDT.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): It’s your month for love as cupid has his sights set on you and that cute chick that works at Starbucks with the eyeliner. But be careful, she’s not really into My Little Pony. Don’t let her change you. Your magic SODA is BLACK CHERRY.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Keep on fighting the good fight this month. You’re going to catch a break soon enough. Also, if anyone asks you if you are “gatekeeper” because they are the “key master” you ALWAYS say “yes.” Your magic GUITAR CHORD is D MINOR.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You’re going to be faced with some tough decisions this month, so we’ll try to save you the trouble. Call up the late-night hillbilly knife commercial guy and just buy whatever he has. It’s better you do it while you’re sober. Your magical BEAN is LIMA.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Stop picking at the scab on your elbow. Seriously. Stop it. Everyone sees you doing it. You’re the ‘scab kid’ now. Way to go. Your magical scary-sounding GERMAN NAME is HELMUT VON RAVENSBRUCK.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You’ll be able to keep calm under pressure all month long, but that won’t last forever. Remember to resupply your food storages should the zombie apocalypse happen. Your magical JAMES BOND is GEORGE LAZENBY.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Gambling on professional sports is never a good idea; however, we can tell you that the Orioles are going to make a huge turn around this month. Invest wisely. Your magical FINGER is pointer-finger RIGHT HAND.
CRAVE ONLINE is an accredited fortune telling institution according to Bazooka Joe.