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50 Shades of Beige: An Average Man’s Guide to Kinky Sex

Are you an average man fed up with your average sex life? Read on…

If you've ever read the Talkin' Sex interviews I hold for Crave Online (which you can read by clicking here), you'll know that I've had lengthy conversations with several porn stars. These conversations have proved to be enlightening, offering glimpses into the darker world of sex, where men get off on being run over by cars, where women are hog-tied and hung upside down and where the only time you'll hear mention of the word missionary is if someone is dressed up as a sexy nun. 

But now that Fifty Shades of Grey sits on the coffee tables of approximately 96% of the earth's women, the kind of fantasies they usually thought only existed in the minds of pervy men are now the same fantasies they are discussing with their girl friends in Starbucks. 

This means that if you are a man who was previously content with blithely thrusting, ejaculating and then rolling over and falling to sleep, chances are your girlfriend will now be hoping to spice up your sex life with some new moves she's learnt from the book. Here's an average man's guide to kinky sex, so you won't be overwhelmed when that day comes:

 

Submission & Domination

It's a well-known fact that Fifty Shades started out as online Twilight fan-fiction, with author E.L. James changing the names of the central characters before she got a publishing deal. The book's protagonist, college graduate Anastasia Steele, shares the same submissive relationship with Christian Grey that Twilight's Bella Swan does with Edward Cullen, though obviously hers and Grey's relationship stretched beyond staring at each other intensely in a classroom and glittering in the sunlight. 

In Fifty Shades Christian Grey is the dominant and Anastasia the submissive, meaning that Anastasia is sexually at Grey's whim. Grey can therefore do what he wants with her and Anastasia will comply, unless Grey asks her to bring him a sandwich. Women hate it when you ask them to bring you a sandwich.

Weirdness Rating: ***

 

Spanking

Chances are your hand has acquainted itself with quite a few bumcheeks in its time, as spanking is perhaps the most common 'kinky' foreplay. You wouldn't expect that women can gain enjoyment out of it, but spanking her in the right place can provide pleasurable results; at the risk of sounding like an archery instructor, aim for the crease at the bottom of her cheeks, at the top of her vagina. This will send vibrations through her lady parts that, if you spank with just the right amount of force (don't go at her like you're in a particularly homoerotic UFC brawl), will prove to be enjoyable for her and for the sadist inside of you. And now you know.

Weirdness Rating: *

 

Bukkake

A bukkake party is the kind of party where you won't be invited via a Facebook group. Though an (understandably) uncommon practise outside of porn, bukkake involves one female kneeling down whilst surrounded by a large group of men, who then proceed to… y'know… all over her face.

Bukkake is uncommon for two reasons, the first being that there's not many men who would be willing to do it, the second being that there's not many women who would be willing to do it.

Weirdness Rating: ****

 

Bondage

When Rihanna repeatedly informed us that whips and chains excite her, it is highly doubtful that the kind of kinky sex she was alluding to was the kind where she's being hung upside down from a ceiling in an abandoned warehouse while some guy electrocutes her privates and clamps her nipples with crocodile clips. Whereas many think of bondage as nothing more than a few people dressed up like extras from Batman & Robin fiddling with each other, the truth is that bondage is serious, slightly terrifying business. Most porn stars I have interviewed have performed a bondage scene, and in reply to my question of whether they enjoyed it or not, their response is usually a resounding "err…".

If you or your partner wants to experiment with bondage, make sure you both come up with a 'safe word' to shout out when you've reached your limit. The words 'banana' and 'blue' are the most popular, although many find that 'OH GOD PLEASE STOP OH GOD" works just as effectively.

Weirdness Rating: ****

 

CBT

Cock and ball torture (or 'CBT', as it is known) is… well… torture. For your cock and balls. A masochistic practise (meaning that the male who is being tortured receives pleasure from the pain), suffice to say that it's not for the faint of heart. CBT can incorporate a multiple of devices, including testicle cuffs and a 'humbler', which attaches to the base of the participant's scrotum and rests underneath his buttocks, leaving him unable to stand up straight without the device pulling on his todger. 

Weirdness Rating: *****

 

Foot Worship

The most common form of sexual fetishism, while most men appreciate a good set of sweater puppies, foot fetishists love nothing more than a good set of toes. Elvis Presley, Quentin Tarantino and Andy Warhol were/are all foot fetishists, so for all you shoe-sniffers out there, consider yourself in good and talented company. Oh, and Ted Bundy was one, too. Feel free to ignore that one, though.

Weirdness Rating: **

 

Giantess

A giantess fetishist, or 'macrophile', is someone who fantasises about giant women. His fantasies usually revolve him wanting the giantess to use him as a sex toy, or to crush him underneath her feet. As this fetish is obviously fictional, its longevity is attributed to specialist porn and films such as Attack of the 50ft Woman and Gulliver's Travels, though probably not the Jack Black remake, because even guys who fantasise about giant women crushing them have to draw the line somewhere.

Weirdness Rating: *****

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