It’s one of the biggest fears in the world. You’re sleeping late at night and all of a sudden you hear rustling coming from another part of the house. You’re being robbed. Where is the phone? What should I do? Should I try and stop it? I hope my limited edition My Little Pony poster is safe!
Stop worrying. We here at Crave understand your anxieties and have come up with a little quiz to help you figure out if you are properly prepared for a home invasion. With our help, you and your loved ones and your PS3 will be safe from all wrongdoers.
1. Do you own in weapons in your house?
a.) A double-barrel shotgun.
b.) A glock.
c.) A samurai sword.
d.) Masters of the Universe sword and armor set. Oh, and a blaster from Star Wars.
2. What sort of alarm system do you have?
a.) Brinks Home security.
b.) A chain-link fence.
c.) A Rottweiler.
d.) A cat with sleep apnea and a loose anus.
3. What is the first number on your speed-dial?
c.) Poison Control.
d.) Steve from my D&D group.
4. What is your most prized possession?
a.) My grandmother’s jewels.
b.) A Matisse painting.
c.) My father’s watch.
d.) Mighty Ducks 1-3 on blu-ray.
5. Are you trained in any sort of martial art or self-defense?
a.) Tae Kwon Do and Jujitsu.
b.) I train in MMA and Kempo.
c.) I take weekly self-defense classes at the YMCA.
d.) I punched a kid in the back of the head at a Yo La Tengo concert and ran away. That’s about it.
6. How would you describe your sleeping patterns?
a.) I’m a light sleeper and I’d up at the first noise.
b.) Fairly light, but I know my surroundings.
c.) Heavy, but I can move when I need to.
d.) If I’ve drank the night before, then I could be beaten with a baseball bat and not know it. Trust me. I’ve had so many penises drawn on my face it’s not even funny.
7. Have you ever used a fire-arm? If so, how frequently?
a.) I go to the range twice a week.
b.) I’ve shot one of my friends rifles while camping once.
c.) I’ve never shot a gun in my life.
d.) I went paintballing once for Sam Johnson’s birthday in the 2nd grade. I shot a lot of people in the nuts.
8. What kind of lock do you have on your front door?
a.) Double pad-lock with a deadbolt.
b.) A deadbolt and a chain lock.
c.) Just a regular twist-lock.
d.) I can fashion sentry barrier out of used-up porno and old pizza boxes in a pinch.
9.) What is your worst-case scenario home invasion?
b.) Death Wish.
c.) Last House on the Left.
d.) Christmas with the Kranks.
If you answered mostly (a-c), you’re probably gonna be just fine.
If you answered mostly (d), congrats. We doubt anyone would want to rob you.