We are all mother-lovers. Whether that means we are “bad a** mutha lovers” or appreciate the grace and dignity of the females who bore us, that’s something the human race shares. Far be it for us to ever usurp their high opinion of us, their progeny, and because we are on Crave Online, their sons.
So don’t screw it up.
There are a myriad of ways your mom dutifully pretends to be made happy by your choices in life. So the least you can do is try not to make her question her entire life. Please be considerate. Not for me… but for mom.
Here are ten things guaranteed to disappoint your mom. And stay until the end, please…
1. You didn't watch Ellen this morning
Your engagement in the ongoing national conversation of “do you know how well this 11-year old plays the piano?!” is of critical importance to your possibly empty-nesting mom. Being unable to appreciate Ellen’s dancing, wit, and amazing career revival will put you at odds with your mom’s perception of you as a good human being. At least TiVo it.
2. Your refusal to clean own room
Ah, the classic messy room. What you thought was your mom’s worry of undone laundry and trash was really her excuse to make sure you weren’t masturbating CONSTANTLY in secret. Her logic? “If his room is clean there are fewer places to hide those Playboys.”
Pssst. Your mom doesn’t know nobody reads Playboy anymore and you get your porn for free like everyone else, so do her psyche a favor and freshen up every once and a while will you?
3. Failure to marry nice girl
You’ve always been a wild one. Preferring “Backdoor Daisy” to “Bible Thumpin Betty”. But now as you near your thirties (okay, college… jeez, I have to speak to everyone in these friggin things) your refusal to find marriage ready baby mammas is distressing your momma. Just go to a Adam Lambert concert. Desperate females are just waiting for you!
4. You don't practice family's religion
This is a little more personal but hear me out, because all your mom is really saying is that she cares for your immortal soul. And if you don’t start praying the rosary, the Quran, and whatever Shintoism is, then there’s no room for you on the salvation starship.
Just do what real Catholics like me do… Fake it!
5. "I can't open Internet Explorer."
You can’t blame your mom for her inexperience with technology, but you can blame her for using Internet Explorer. Regardless, when that call inevitably comes (always when you are in post-sex bliss, drunk, high, or all three) and she says “Goshdarnit it won’t let me open my Hotmail….” put the coffee on, kick your lady friend out of the bed, and hunker down, cause this is going to take at least 2 to 3 hours.
6. You didn't get her photo of family pet
“Skipper” is the only solace your poor mom has left now that you and the rest of your siblings have left the roost. Images of the tiny Shih-Tzu gracefully leaping across a field, or sleeping soundly, or sh*ting or whatever, blow your phone’s data plan worse then when you streamed the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy to your Samsung device.
Just smile, nod, and text back politely every time without fail… “Skip is so amazing”. Of course, check the messages first just in case your mom gives you an update on dad’s heart condition.
7. Your job choices sketchy at best
Whether you never lived up to your potential or decided to race to the bottom as fast as you could, your job decisions, while bold, have never matched your mom’s expectations of you. If you were a doctor and lost every patient you had, your mom would still like it better than being a “independent freelancer”. Start small. I hear Chik-Fil-A is hiring.
8. “Where’s that jacket I bought you?”
Mom was the queen of sartorial choices back in the day. Bellbottom jeans, long locks or crimped hair, headbands… yeah, your mom was pretty hot back in the day. What? Anyway, that doesn’t mean she gets to dress you in two sizes two big sportcoats that make you look like Tom Hanks from BIG wants his wardrobe back. Classy choice? Quietly get the suit talored. Lazy choice? Tell her the dog ate it.
9. You. Never. Call.
It’s true. Your excuse of “having no time” doesn’t apply when you have email, Twitter, Facebook, text, cellphone, and god-forbid, snail mail at your fingertips. In the time it takes to actually buy plane tickets to see poor old mum you could have a conscious saving convo over the phone. And it would save you money. Cause that’s all you care about now, anyway, isn’t it you blackheart?!
…And the biggest thing that disappoints mom?
10. You not being happy
WWWWWWWWW w w ww w w www wwWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW