In this new and irreverent column, I'll attempt to solve the most common guy problems as if I have any authority to do so other than me being the one paid to write and you being the one distracted from whatever you were doing long enough to read my ramblings.
This week's Guy Problem: How Do I Get Over Her?!
For women a bad break-up typically involves a solid week of eating Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream and watching Hugh Grant movies, before venturing back into the bachelorette lifestyle, where at least a handful of men are already waiting patiently to be chosen as rebounds.
However, for men a bad break-up typically involves a solid month of listening to Nick Cave and watching Apocalypse Now, as we empathise with Martin Sheen's post-traumatic stress disorder as a metaphor for our own personal turmoil, because 'Nam has got nothing on that black-hearted bitch who dumped us.
Most advice when it comes to break-ups revolves around "keeping your chin up" because there are "plenty more fish in the sea", but as anyone who has text their ex 46 times in the space of 24 hours desperately pleading to meet up one last time "just to see how it goes" knows, remaining positive after being ditched isn't an easy task. To help you get through this difficult time in your life, I have devised a foolproof* four-step program in order to make you finally get over her.
*Four-step program may not be foolproof.
STEP 1: Wash
If you ever want to brave the great outdoors ever again, then you must ensure that people within a 10-yard radius will be unable to smell your testicles. While you've convinced yourself that maintaining your personal hygiene is inconsequential since she broke up with you, the truth is that you currently look like a man who wouldn't be able to step within 20 feet of a childrens' playground without the police getting involved. In short: get in the fucking shower.
STEP 2: Delete her number
You'll do a number of things during a break-up that you will later regret, but none of them will incite as much embarrassment as the myriad of phonecalls you make to her in order to win her back. Ranging from "I love you, please can we just try to work things out?" to "YOU FUCKING THUNDERSLUT, I DON'T WANT YOU BACK, I CAN HAVE ANY WOMAN I WANT", these phonecalls will come back to haunt you later in life, so delete her number from your phone and resist temptation.
STEP 3: Go outside
Now that you've deleted her number and have stopped looking like a sex offender, the next step is to finally go outside. This step is more difficult than it may seem, as you have spent an unruly amount of time lying on the sofa watching re-runs of Friends. While it may be tough to brave the outdoors knowing that no one will be there for you when the rain starts to fall, you've got to force yourself out of second gear, regardless of the fact that it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
STEP 4: Don't drink alcohol
The first thing you probably did when she broke up with you was hit the bottle (and then another bottle after that), but don't make a habit out of it. Nobody in the history of this planet has ever made a reasonable decision whilst drunk, and you are unfortunately no exception. If you do decide to not follow this step (and let's face it, you probably will), then at least think of a good enough cover story for tomorrow morning, when you wake up on her porch in a puddle of your own tears and vomit.
Read last week's Guy Problem: Am I Doing Sex Wrong?
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Photo: Getty Images/John Carleton/Alex Bramwell/Daniel Schneider/Scott MacBride