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The WORST Halloween Candy

3 things that only awful candy does.

Best sketch about bad candy ever

 

With Halloween dropping next week; I have to get on my candy soap box now before it's too late. Mmm, candy soapbox… Something happens to you when you eat bad Halloween candy. One of three awful things. And besides the numerious lists about black licorice, candy corn, Runts, that you are going to read ad nausem, I think breaking down what makes these candies bad is far more effective.

 

This Halloween, add some of these terms to your candy lexicon. Mmmm, candy lexicon…

 

1. "Chunking"

 

This is when you bite into a hard candy too early and create permanent sugary molars in your back teeth, where nothing can be brushed away. The reason your wisdom teeth fall out? Because they don't want this happening to them.

 

Not even toothpicks can flick away the hard, adamantium-like shell of sugar that has secured itself into your enamel. You are getting a cavity and that is it.

 

Worst offender: Jolly Ranchers

 

The Young Turks weigh in on this important issue

 

2. "Soft Chocolate"

 

Nothing sucks worse than a yeilding chocolate shell. KEEP YOUR FREAKING CANDY IN THE FRIDGE GRANDMA. When you unwrap a delicious Snickers bar and it slowly drifts to one side like a pathetic, flacid member you have society's permission to go back to where you bought it and burn that store to the ground.

 

You have one job, Olympic Blvd 7-Eleven, and that's keeping Sam's candy treats at optimium temp until he walks in to buy them. But even atmospheric control can't keep certain bars from being softer than s**t.

 

Worst Offender: Caramello (IS THE INTERNAL TEMP OF CARAMEL 85 DEGREES?!?)

 

This guy is super passionate about candy ya'll. Just ignore his Spongebob thing at the beginning

 

3. "Shell-ack"

 

Similar to Chunking in that it usually involves a hard candy shell. But I'm talking about the unnecessary shelling of candy whether that candy is secretly awful (Boston Baked Beans) or it keeps you from the best part of the candy by forcing your through a candy shell (Tootsie Roll Pops). Or Shell-acking the shell itself, like the worst offender below.

 

A chocolate shell inclusion to this would be the Cadburry Creme Egg, since the sugar gloop innards of that candy should just be sold in tubes that I can buy separately and squeeze into my mouth. 

 

Worst Offender: Jawbreakers

 

I hope I've saved you a little bit of trouble this Halloween. If any candy you, your friends, or family hand out to unwitting children contain any of the top 3 properties? You know what to do:

 

Burn it all. Burn it all to the ground.

 

HAVE A SAFE AND FUN HALLOWEEN!!!

 

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