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The Manly Man Awards 2012

Bane, Brad Pitt and Voldemort do battle in our annual awards for manly men.

As 2012 draws to a close, we can now look back on a year where we survived both an apocalypse and a 40-foot Voldemort. The Manly Man Awards are a celebration of everything that has made this year memorable to us, where we'll also crown the guy who we believe has been the manliest of them all.

Here are the Manly Man Awards 2012.

 

The That Don't Impress Me Much Award

Winner: Brad Pitt

You could have been forgiven for thinking that a man as handsome, rich and famous as Brad Pitt could get away with saying just about anything, but then along came the Chanel No. 5 commercial to prove that no matter how strong your jawline is, no one can get away with describing a scent as their "fate". Shania Twain wasn't impressed, Brad, and neither are we.

 

The Our New Favourite Superhero Award

Winner: The Hulk

No one cared about The Hulk before The Avengers. After two attempts to portray him in a serious light, it wasn't until director Joss Whedon said "hey, let's give this massive green idiot in little purple shorts a sense of humour" that suddenly Hulk toys were flying off of shelves and everyone immediately put the unannounced Mark Ruffalo Hulk spin-off movie at the top of their 'must see' lists.

 

The Most Odd Olympic Opening Ceremony Award

Winner: London Olympic Opening Ceremony

The UK has always been perceived by outsiders as a quirky little island filled with peculiar people, and Danny Boyle's Olympic opening ceremony did little to dissuade people from believing that. Featuring a 40-foot Voldemort and a whole segment revolving around youths sending each other text messages, the opening to London 2012 was in equal parts WTF, OMG and ROFL.

 

The PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP Award

Winner: Gangnam Style

"Heeeeeeeeey, sexy lady! Op, op, op, op, op SHUT THE FUCK UP."

 

The Best Costume of the Worst Drawing of Jesus Award

Winner: This guy.

It was life imitates art, as that hilariously botched restoration of the Jesus painting became an even more hilarious Halloween costume, which looked a little bit like Seth Rogen if Seth Rogen had a stroke.

 

The Most Polite Bear Award

Winner: The polite waving bear.

There were many polite bears this year, but out of all of them this one is definitely the politest.

 

The Not Sure if Hot Award

Winner: Lana Del Rey

When we first heard Lana Del Rey's sultry tones and watched her pout her way through her breakout single 'Video Games', we naturally put her right at the top of our 'Celebrity Females Who We Wish Knew That We Were Alive' list. However, after striking up a deal with H&M and subsequently appearing in a advertising campaign that features her wearing a series of unflattering blouses, we're no longer as intrigued by her as we once were. Even if her lady bits taste like a delicious soft beverage.

 

The Most F*cked Up Childhood Award

Winner: Carl Grimes

Did you have a rough childhood? Was your dad a gambler, your mom a drinker, your brother a big fat lad who kept putting you in headlocks? Well, at least you can be thankful that your childhood wasn't as bad as The Walking Dead's Carl Grimes', who had to watch his mom die in childbirth, before shooting her in the head to ensure that she didn't come back all zombified. At the time of writing he's trying to solely ensure the safety of a group of adults while his dad plunges further into insanity. Hopefully Rick will take him out for ice cream or something after the whole apocalypse blows over.

 

The Star Wars Kid Award for Skillful Swordsmanship

Winner: The '81 Sliced Bottles' Guy

Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, the Star Wars Kid is watching this video with pride.

 

And The Manly Man of the Year Award goes to…

Winner: Tom Hardy

Christopher Nolan's third entry in The Dark Knight  trilogy may not have lived up to the level of expectation set by its predecessor, but it did prove to us that, even though he was forced to wear a silly Predator-esque mask and shave all the hair off of his body until he looked like an angry scrotum, Tom Hardy is a man you definitely would not want to go toe-to-toe with. His portrayal of Bane thrust him into the spotlight and interviews have revealed him to be an unorthodox leading man, who is as intense as he is eloquent. Tom Hardy is enigmatic, he's hard as nails and he once had a beard that could've housed at least seven baby birds. In short, he has all the qualities necessary to make him our Manly Man of the year.