Who wouldn't want to be in One Direction? Even if you're not a big fan of their music you still probably wouldn't mind living a day in the shoes of Harry Styles, or Zayn Malik, or Niall Horan, or Louis Something-or-Other, or That One with the Short Hair. Even though it'd be illegal for you to do anything with the kind of girls they attract other than politely smile and wave, you could still have a go on Taylor Swift, then you could leave her and tell her that you and her are never ever ever ever getting back together and she'd probably laugh, because that joke's still really funny.
But while you can't be in One Direction (all the vacancies are filled) you CAN be in the NEXT One Direction. Simply gather four of your friends, follow these simple instructions and wait for record deals/female attention to be lavished upon you. Maybe.
Coordinate Your Clothes
When you are in a boy band you will no longer be recognised as an individual, but rather an anthropomorphic blob with a carefully constructed fringe and enough sexual virility to power a small car. The reason behind this is that boy bands typically colour coordinate when gracing the red carpet at movie premieres and such, as evidenced by the image at the top of this article, where four out of the five members of One Direction are wearing a combination of brown/black-coloured attire. Niall Horan was the only member not conforming, instead opting to wear all black, but as he is Irish we can just assume that he was hammered.
Decide Upon Your Personas
You can't all be the Funny One or the Sexy One – one of you is going to have to be the Forgettable One and another is going to have to be the Endearingly Ugly One. It's just the way it works. If you're all too handsome then you're going to come across as too threatening, whereas if you're all too funny you will all be friend-zoned, meaning that instead of going on stage and singing for your legions of adoring fans you will instead have to sit quietly and listen to their relationship problems.
Sing Songs that Teenage Girls Can Relate To
Teenagers are stupid. Teenage boys do stupid things like punch each other in the mouth and set each other on fire, while teenage girls do stupid things like fall in unrequited love with members of a band they've never met. "You don't know you're beautiful!" sang Harry Styles in One Direction's first hit single. "OMG ITZ LIKE EHS SINGIN ABOUT ME CUZ IM GOIN THRU PUBERTY + THERFOR I DNT LIKE LOOKIN IN MIRRORS", tweeted an abundance of teenage girls. If you want the same effect, sing songs that teenage girls can relate to, with titles such as 'I Agree, Stacey is a Massive Slag', or 'A Heavy Flow Don't Mean I'll Say No'.
Look Like You Have Sex
At the time of writing The Jonas Brothers are now working part-time at your local fast food restaurant, but a few years ago they were at the top of the world with their floppy hair and "purity" rings. The Jonas Brothers marketed chastity to teenage girls who wanted nothing more than to boink them, and as such it became every girls' dream to "turn" them. However, when it became clear that the Jonasasas' were never going to stop being prudes, One Direction swooped in wearing their penises on their shoulders and told these girls that, hey, it's OK to have sex, even if you aren't married to the person that you have sex with, because sex feels good, and would you like to go for a drink with me sometime? I'm in a really popular boy band, and I have hair like a fluffy brown cloud. Here's my number. Call me.
Photo: Getty Images
Paul Tamburro is the UK Editor of CraveOnline. Read his mind farts on Twitter @PaulTamburro.