So the new Transformers trailer came out and everybody is all a-buzz about the next Michael Bay action effects fest. However, while Shia LeBeuf spends time on one knee thanking his personal God that another check is coming (anybody see Wall Street 2? Yeah, didn’t think so), I am forced to kick it old school and take us all back to another time, a time when Gobots were the jam!! Gobots were car-to-robot transforming robots that pre-date the Transformers by a year. The ideas were so similar that some cartoon nuts cried foul when Transformers debuted. They were close, both were changing robots, both centered around two rival sects (here it was good guy Guardians and bad guy Renegades) from the same planet, both had a powerful line of merchandising, etc.
The problem was that the Gobots had no money behind them so they fell to the cheaper side of things. The animation was less technical, the robots goofier and the entire tone of the series way less serious. You also didn’t have Optimus Prime, whose voice and presence helped make the Transformers what they were. That all being said, I’m still waiting for a Gobots movie. Personally I feel the fans haven’t been given both sides of the story and it is time for a choice to be made. Do we drop back-in-the-day knowledge via the Gobots or go for the new jack Transformers? I think Hollywood owes us a Gobots movie and to show just how hype it could be I’ve put together The Top Ten Gobots I’d Like To See In A Movie.
10. MANOWAR
Like the metal band, Manowar the Gobot has never been given his just deserts in the world of interstellar galactic vehicle transforming robot battles. Coming towards the end of the Gobots reign, Manowar was an Iowa Class World War II battleship. It makes total sense because what better weapon to use against advanced alien technology than a World War II battleship? What would be better than watching a battleship turn into a fighting robot that kept the idea of Americana and war alive? I’m just really surprised that thousands of years ago on planet Gobotron they had oceans to inspire such a creation. You also have built in heavy metal theme music!!
09. DUMPER
This is pretty much a no brainer for the movie. First of all who doesn’t like a dump truck? To watch this guy transform into a robot would be like a Tonka wet dream. The better part of all of this is the characters name. Seriously, who wouldn’t sit glued to a screen while the heroes shouted about a hero named Dumper. “Take him out Dumper” or “It’s time for a Dumper”. The best would be the scene when Dumper is getting refueled and we could laugh in unison at the idea of “pumper in the Dumper”!! Some say a dump truck is a stupid robot hero and I must retort that if a f*****g yellow beetle car can be a threat, a dump truck would be an ass kicker.
08. JEEPER CREEPER
You really can’t have an intergalactic throw down without some kind of jeep involved. Jeeps are easy to flip over and have almost no protection when in car form, so what better vehicle for war? Granted Jeeper Creeper was more of a military grade Gobot but still, a jeep? I think it’d be particularly awesome to explain why, when he transformed into a battling robot, his tire stayed on his head, but who am I to argue genius. The best part of this would be having the song Jeepers Creepers play whenever the character was on screen. Granted the effects folks would have to alter the original look to give Jeeper Creeper some killer peepers but for the continuity to work I think we can sacrifice some of the basics. Just think, it could reignite the entire thirties flapper age. DUDE!! Jeeper Creeper could wear a flapper dress and talk like a 30s gangster. I smell a hit!!
07. WRONG WAY
You’d think in the epic war to save the lives of all who continue to live in peace a Gobot named Wrong Way would be a bad thing. However when the Wrong Way is actually a pointy, killing machine disguised as an Apache Helicopter, it’s a win all around. Just think of all the catchphrases built in to something like this. Just off the top of my head I hear “Sometimes You Gotta Go The Wrong Way” or “Why does the Wrong Way Feel So Right?” You hear what I’m saying? The ideas are endless. There’s also the whirring blades and who doesn’t love live action whirring blades that turn into….well…something else? I know Wrong Way seems like a bad idea but when that Apache Helicopter flies in to save the day in full glory live action, geek boners shall abound!!
06. MOTO SAN
Who doesn’t love a wise old Japanese man that hands out kernels of truth in times of trouble? Even if the wise old Japanese man is actually a wise old Japanese car from another planet thousands of years old, we all still love it. There’s something warm and comforting about the idea that racist stereotypes exist even in far away galaxies and alien planets. I know Gobots originally started in Japan but to have a Honda that transforms into a robot named Moto San is pretty slick on their part. Nothing taps into the redneck, largely intolerant heart of the true American like a non-threatening, benevolent, stereotype. I suppose a black SUV called Massa Blaster would’ve been in poor taste so why not go with the road less traveled?
05. NIGHT RANGER
Nothing kicks more ass on screen than a fat Harley Davidson whipping down the road. Now add that with lasers blasting and huge explosions and you have something to root for. During his cartoon run nobody seemed to care about Night Ranger but to me his potential for screen legend is omnipresent. First strip that lame blue color and make him a badass motorcycle-gang looking Harley. If we can figure out a way to give him a chain wallet, we’re looking at merchandising beyond our wildest dreams. Imagine the tough talking super cycle exploding to save the day and behind it, blasting from movie theater speakers, we hear “Motoring, what’s your price for flight”. I don’t know about you but I’ve already got goose bumps!!
04. HERR FIEND
There are so many attributes to Herr Fiend for a Gobots movie; I find it hard to organize all of them. First off he’s German and a bad guy, that way nobody in America has to stretch their view of the world very far. A super German good guy would just confuse us, while a German bad guy goes down easy, like Budweiser or Bud Light. Add to that the fact that this German enemy also has a giant monocle and we’re talking a cross between a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and a Bond villain. Watching a live action Porsche plot evil plots and use a huge monocle when making a particularly evil statement would be the most exciting thing to hit movie screens since Dr. Evil. How a German sports car with a human eye wear accessory came from another planet is beyond me, but really, isn’t that what imagination is for?
03. LEADER 1
While the idea of a fighter jet isn’t new, we all want to see the head of the Gobots come to life, rocketing past us to save humanity from those bitch ass bad guy..uh..bots. Leader 1 would have to have a laid back feel, like a smooth talking ladies man with a penchant for getting out of tough jams. Imagine Isaac Hayes mixed with Vince Vaughn with just a soupcon of used car salesman. We could root for him, and when he came flying past to bomb the shit out of the bad guys, we’d all be singing “Highway To The Danger Zone” right along with him. That would be the hook for the audience, the fact that Leader 1 is obsessed with the eighties. It makes sense. That was a great time for war and war machines. It was the age of Rambo and, might I add, the Gobots. The Transformer’s Optimus Prime is too uptight; you’d think there was a war on or something. Leader 1 would tell Optimus to chill but would never back down from slapping out at him.
02. CYKILL
This guy is the leader of the Renegades and you can just see the awesomeness factor. Who wouldn’t want to watch a motorcycle with a head and claws go up against a fighter jet. Granted it seems a little uneven, and I’ve often wondered why with all the various Gobots, the Renegades but their faith into this put-put attempt at a slick motorbike, but who am I to argue with far off intelligence? In the live action movie they’d have to play Cykill like a nutty Evel Knievel, always flipping around and doing tricks that ended in taking out a bitch-ass Guardian. I also envision him having a loud driving sound, as if his muffler never existed. It would be the sound all Renegades listened for when the Guardians were beating them down. Then, out of the smoke, a Kawasaki looking motorbike with a face would leap, do five flips, and land back-wheel first on the head of a Guardian. That, my friends, is movie magic.
01. CRASHER
There’s nothing hotter than a chick with power, and who has more power than a female bad guy robot that turns into a Porsche (because what successful chick doesn’t have a dope ride)? Crasher was the only Gobot to really look like a girl so of course movie magic couldn’t heighten that up a bit. Give her headlights that happen to be where the boobs are, a tight double bumper ass, and some full, fuel injected lips. You get it, the kind of chick that dorks would be jerking off over even though she was a car. Slide in a sexy voice and we might have the hottest non-real sexpot since Jessica Rabbit. I also think a mature love scene with Cykill is so in order that, when it ends with transmission fluid on Crasher’s face, it will raise the maturity level of a Gobots film into something akin to real art.
There you have it, the ten Gobots I want to see in a movie and why they’d work. If this film came out and was the big hit I think we all know it would be, I can see a Gobots/Transformers movie smashing box office records all around the world. I’ve provided the blueprint, lets see if Hollywood is man enough to step up!!
