By Creepy Office Guy
|Another year, another crappy Secret Santa gift exchange. Believe me, I know that nothing is worse than trying to figure out what to buy for someone you barely know and definitely don’t like for under $20…|
If you think I’m going to help you by telling you just what to get, forget it. I’ve got my own Secret Santa problems to deal with. What I will do, however, is share with you some of my knowledge as to what not to get your co-workers for the holidays, culled from many years of awkward and sometimes litigious experience.
Filled with bourbon
Your co-workers may be alcoholics… And they may want nothing more than to put a gun in their mouth… But the last thing they need is a painful reminder of these things during the holidays.
Made of crack cocaine
It’s the gift that keeps on giving! Until you run out, and have to start turning tricks in the alley outside the transient hotel to get your hands on some more. Like Whitney Houston said, before shooting an 8-ball of cocaine into her eyeball in front of television cameras while simultaneously sniffing angel dust from a secret compartment in her shoe: “Crack is Whack!”
One of those fake vomit thingies from a joke shop
Except it’s real vomit and it’s from your stomach
I know what you’re thinking: Why settle for a cheap, disgusting gag when you can get a better response for free? Well… you got me there. Just make sure the box is lined with some kind of plastic or cellophane, otherwise it’ll leak and give away the joke!
Frozen vial of what you’re reasonably certain is your sperm
It would be just your luck if the recipient was infertile, am I right? That would be like giving an Xbox game to someone who doesn’t even have an Xbox! Egg on your face!
Plastic Ziplock bag filled with dog blood
Although I’m sure there are many culinary uses for dog blood, at least have the decency to put it in an unlabeled thermos!
Mixtape of the most incredibly racist country western songs ever recorded
Not everybody likes country western. Try mixing it up with a few pop songs, maybe some adult contemporary, even some speed metal and a little bit of “the rap” for variety!
Life-size effigy of your co-worker
Made of human hair
Fact: hair smells gross when you burn it. Why not use paper mache instead? And fill it with candy! Now your co-worker is a piñata! Just be sure not to “accidentally” batter the real person that the piñata is modeled after with the bashing stick. At least, not in front of any witnesses.
Front row tickets to a Tijuana cock fight
You never know who might turn out to be some kind of hippie that doesn’t enjoy this sort of thing. Best to just avoid the conflict altogether, nothing is more annoying than a long, boring speech about animal rights and veganism. Just ask Michael Vick!
Framed picture of your co-worker taking a dump in their own home
Taken via spy cam
This is actually not a bad idea if you’ve been thinking about working from home. After the restraining order is issued, you’ll sort of have to! Plus your co-worker will probably get to keep your spy cam, which is a great gift in and of itself.
Jar that you farted into last Sunday
After a rough night of drinking
It seemed like a good idea at the time, I’m sure. Hell, I’m not even saying it wasn’t. But maybe this is one little piece of hilarity best saved for close friends and/or family.