It's the Queen's Diamond jubilee soon. Imagine that; 60 years she's had to stay in that fusty old house. If I was the heir to the throne I'd ask if the next location could be one of those sweaty Camden hipster apartments, just so I could wake up in the morning to something other than bone china mugs and ornate fireplaces.
Education Secretary Michael Gove clearly empathises with her, as he suggested that we should all chip in to buy her a present to mark the celebration. What did Mike have in mind? A £60million yacht, of course! Well, why not? It's not like we're in the middle of a crippling debt crisis and facing an unemployment rate of 8.4% or anything, is it? Wait, we are? Oh Mike, you crazy son-of-a-bitch!
Here are 5 gifts that are a little more in our price range.
A Pen… with her NAME ENGRAVED ON IT!
When my Granddad worked at Rentokil for 40 years he was given a Parker fountain pen. Seeing as how the Queen has done 20 more years service than he did, I think it's only right that we should treat her to one with her name engraved on it. "Elizabeth Windsor", it will read, with a little 'HR' symbol on the end of it for good measure. Perhaps we could even save a few quid and shorten it to "Liz Windsor", too; I mean, we should be on first name terms with her now, considering we're the ones who have kept her in work for the past 6 decades.
A Shark Pit
She may look like a pleasant lady, but I've got a sneaking suspicion that the Queen may be an evil genius. Think about it; in this day and age even children have democratic votes to decide who will be class president, while she's managed to maintain a life of luxury without any of us deciding whether or not we're OK with it. If that's the case, then she's going to need a shark pit. Every evil genius has one and it ensures, if nothing else, that if we're going to have a little old woman being the face of the UK then at least we'll have a f***ing terrifying one.
The newspapers always tell us of another little adventure the Queen has been on, whether it's visiting foreign politicians or opening a new flower show, but we all know that some days she just sits around in her pants and watches daytime TV. Fortunately Netflix has now made its way to the UK, meaning that she can swap the bright orange David Dickinson of Antiques Roadshow fame for the bright orange Snooki of Jersey Shore fame.
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One DVD
It's 2012 and the Queen is in danger of becoming out-of-touch with the coveted youth demographic. Yes, she might wear cardigans like your Nan and look like she smells of Werther's Originals and dust, but let's face it; the Queen just isn't hip enough. So what better way to introduce her to the world of 21st century teenagers than with the Twilight saga? This could go one of either three ways;
- She'll hate it and win over a legion of 18-year-old males.
- She'll like it and win over a legion of 18-year-old females.
- She'll love it, hang a poster of Jacob above her four poster bed and win over a legion of cougars.
A Gift Card
What do you get the woman who probably already has everything? I s'pose we could just put some money in a card for her… I'm thinking about £20? Too much? Well we could just get her a gift card or something. It serves exactly the same purpose as money except she can only spend it in one shop (it doesn't even have to be a shop that we think she'd enjoy going to), but hey, at least it looks like we made the effort. Yeah, let's just do that. We'll get her a gold-plated yacht for her next jubilee.
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