EDITORS NOTE: This article contains spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie yet, this article will spoil it for you. It might spoil it even if you have seen the movie…
It was too much to ask for apparently. All we wanted was a good Batman movie. Not “Inception 2: Dream Warriors”.
After his first two attempts at making a legible Batman movie, Christopher Nolan limps to the finish with The Dark Knight “Rises”. To bad Nolan couldn’t “rise” to the occasion.
This movie is the most big budget, misguided take on Batman since The Animated Series. The simple fact that it’s lasted long enough to become a full fledged trilogy is only by the good graces of Warner Brothers, both of whom — I’m sure — are being blackmailed by Nolan.
Here are 30 things that PROVE Dark Knight Rises should’ve never been made:
1. Maggie Gyllenhaal wasn’t even in this one. PLOT HOLES MUCH?
2. Batman was on screen for FAR too long. He was like in 2/3 of this movie, just flying around being all like, “WHERE ARE THE OTHER DRUGS GOING?!”
3. Bane is supposed to be Latino. Then why does he sound like the Monopoly man?
4. Scarecrow didn’t even wear his mask!
5. There was no mentioning of the following CANON bat-devices: The Bat-Copter, Bat Anti-Shark Spray, Bat-Bolos, Super Mini Bat-puter, Piece of Kryptonite-Bat, Bat-Water Wings, or the Deus Ex Machina-Bat…well, maybe the last one.
6. Alfred leaves a 1/3 of the way in the film! TO WHERE?! METROPOLIS?
7. The Pittsburgh Steelers are not Gotham’s football team.
8. “Autopilot” is for airplanes like “Autofire” is for video games. CHEAP.
9. Four words. "Stainless Steel Bat-suit Nipples".
10. Batman as Jesus metaphor is totally played out.
11. Ran out of Sour Patch Kids mid-way into Alfred’s 2nd motivational speech.
12. Frozen river wasn’t frozen enough. P.S. Where was Mr. Freeze?!?!
13. America’s military was WAAAY too weak in this. They would’ve rushed in without any information right at the start!
14. Bane didn’t take his super-steroids– I mean, Venom. Sorry, Capt. America must have taken all of them already. OH SNAP.
15. Catwoman showed too much ass.
16. Catwoman didn’t show enough ass.
17. No Inception horns.
18. Batman didn’t use his heat vision.
19. There was a sex scene. Ew. Batman doesn’t have sex.
20. Spinal surgery is not hanging from a rope for a month.
21. Why did Sirius Black cut his hair and start wearing glasses?
22. Flash drives are the new McGuffin. LOOK IT UP FILM NERDS!
23. Bruce Wayne looked like Dr. House hobbling on that cane. Lame.
24. Too much social commentary. Stay out of my life, Hollywood!
25. Catwoman’s gal pal wasn’t explained. Was she her ward? Her girlfriend? Clayface in disguise?
26. Orphans can always tell you’re Batman if you’ve helped them ONE TIME. “I saw that look in your eyes” really Joseph Gordon-Levitt? That’s all it took?! I call shenanigans.
27. Thor could beat up Batman.
28. Why was Dick Grayson named Robin Blake? SPOILERS.
29. Batman and Robin had better dialogue.
30. Batman survives a nuclear explosion like Indiana Jones … just with a more expensive refrigerator.