How a Single Guy Decorates for Christmas

Don't be a Scrooge, single guy.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham

It’s a well-known fact that the moment forks are down on Thanksgiving the Christmas season has officially begun. Now your single guy intuition might tell you it’s safest to lay low and sport the bare minimum when decorating for the festivities, like a foot-tall fake tree with one 10-bulb strand of lights, half of which are out, that was pulled off a clearance shelf and placed on the coffee table. The ironic reality is that your Christmas spirit, or lack thereof, is merely a gauge for measuring your extreme insecurity and thus, probably another reason why you’re single in the first place.

As a single guy myself, I appreciate and enjoy the luxuries of my independence. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, especially if you prefer it. I go to movies by myself without hurting anybody’s feelings, cook my own meals and get drunk and hit on girls with little remorse when the mood strikes. However, I’d be a shell of the man I am if I were to stand against ceremony and resist letting my inner holiday psycho out.

Nobody can tell you how to decorate, but maybe you could use a few pointers on how to get it done, feel liberated and not look like a total ass in one fell swoop. It’s your decision to make, so you can fly under the radar like the little Scrooge that sulks in his underwear until 5 p.m. with the shades drawn on a Saturday, or you can tear open the shutters, throw up the wreath and give it hell.

First things first, and this is easy – simply get real…with your tree. Nobody is going to have anything nice to say about your Walgreens pole with six branches and plastic stand. They’re like fake breasts; they might look real, feel great and withstand the rain nicely, but everybody knows immediately they’re fake and you’re dead inside. Spend the day outside of the city at a good old-fashioned tree lot and breathe in the fresh scent of pine, sap and sawdust before you choose your prize-picked tree. The right kind of lot is the kind where they let you pick out your tree, cut the sucker down in front of you and wrap it up for that classic “Christmas Vacation”-esque ride home. Or just go to the local tree lot if you’re that lazy.

While you’re getting real, don’t forget to go big. There’s no point in going out of your way to come home with some dainty piece of forestry ass when you could bring home the big boy to blind the neighbors. So what if you’re living paycheck to paycheck in a studio apartment that barely fits your bed? Maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to stop being so generous to strange women at the nudey bars with your single pals (which by the way is creepy that you force them to go with you there) and start saving up for happy holiday decor.

If you need a tip on tree placement, the answer is to always stick it right in the window for all to see. Throw out all the useless crap you don’t need, live simply and get that damn tree front and center for the neighbors to gawk at so they can Instagram a photo of your hard work to people they’ve never met.

Next, the most crucial rule of all for any human being hell-bent on avoiding public scrutiny, family emancipation and an insurmountable loss of Facebook friends: No tinsel whatsoever. Aside from a relentless mess and puppy-choking hazard, tinsel just looks like cheap crap and should be outlawed along with bootleg fireworks and other holiday hazards we still smuggle in anyways.

Finally, there’s one more thing to keep in mind; some food for thought. It’s the holidays, gentlemen, a time when our differences, insecurities and shoes are best left at the door. There is no right or wrong, hate or greed that should show its face during these rare and gifted times. Invite your friends and enemies together into your home, show off your decorating skills and your ability to let bygones be just so and celebrate another year on this wild rock we live on.

And if nothing else, rub their faces in your Christmas spirit and show them how a real man decorates for the holidays, single or otherwise, then proceed to throw back a few too many drinks and pass out under your beautiful tree like the single guy you were meant to be. Happy freaking holidays!