Cat Liveblogs Typical Saturday With Bachelor Owner

There's a whole lot of licking and puking going on.

paul-ulaneby paul-ulane

cat diaryFor those of you out there who are lucky enough to still be single, Saturdays are like no other day in the week. You can sleep in knowing the week is behind you and the entire weekend is in front of you. Unless you own a cat. Then you’re probably constantly under attack whether it’s for food, affection or because he just knocked something over for the 11th god damned time. Just understand that it’s not necessarily a picnic for the cat, either. This live blog will shed new light on what your furry friend is going through every Saturday.

6:13 AM: Just finished my morning laps. Only knocked 8 things off the dresser this time. (New personal low!)

6:20 AM: Totally wiped out. Time for a nap on my human servant’s face.

10 AM: Starving. Human servant still sleeping despite my use of the “Stick My Anus On His Face” wake up technique.

10:43 AM: Time for first asshole licking of the day.

10:44 AM: Time to lick human servant’s face.

11:17 AM: Still not waking up. Maybe if I tap his face with my claws…

11:18 AM: Just got thrown across the room.

11:24 AM: Sifting around my litter as loudly as possible for as long as possible.

11:36 AM: Getting sleepy aga –

11:37 AM: Sorry, had to sprint under the bed. Thought I heard something.

12:13 PM: I wonder if my human servant forgot how hungry I am. I should probably walk over the most sensitive areas of his shins.

12:20 PM: Sure am hungry. Maybe screaming at the top of my lungs like somebody is feeding my tail into a wood chipper would better get my point across.

12:48 PM: Human servant finally awake.

12:53 PM: Just helped human servant walk to the bathroom by weaving in and out of his legs after each step.

1:10 PM: Ah, breakfast. Finally.

1:11 PM: Just threw up on the comforter.

1:13 PM: Getting sleepy.

2:25 PM: Woke up to my human servant wrestling with something in his pants. He looks pretty intense. I should probably stare at him to make sure he doesn’t need my help.

2:33 PM: Human servant is asleep again. Time for a quick anus lick.

2:40 PM: Back to sleep.

3:28 PM: Human servant looks to be trying to do something important on his laptop. He probably needs me to sit on the keyboard.

4:13 PM: What’s that bottle of Tylenol doing on the bedside table? Better go knock it onto the ground.

4:14 PM: That’s better.

5:02 PM: Just sprinted across the apartment because I thought my life was in danger. It’s OK though, it was just my human servant’s cell phone ringing.

6:23 PM: Human servant calling me over to the couch. I better sit in the corner and ignore him.

7:45 PM: Must’ve dozed off there. Human servant petting me between the ears. That feels nice.

7:46 PM: Just bit human servant for petting me for too long.

8:03 PM: Dinner time. Not too hungry. I’ll just nibble.

9:04 PM: Getting hungry again. Gonna gnaw on this headphone chord for a little while to fill me up.

11:48 PM: Bedtime for human servant. Looks like he’s really comfortable.

11:49 PM – 6:20 AM: Non-stop pacing.