The 100 Greatest Quotes from ‘The Simpsons’

If you disagree, you can eat our shorts.

Cory Dudakby Cory Dudak

We knew we were taking on a nearly impossible task trying to come up with an ultimate “The Simpsons” top 100 quotes list. So bear in mind that in order to even tackle such a tall order, we had to put a few ground rules in place. Most importantly, this list does not contain catchphrases (like “D’oh!” or “Don’t have a cow, man!”) or back-and-forths between characters. We chose to focus on one-liners instead. That being said, we tried to make it as fan-friendly as possible, using lines that are quoted on a daily basis, while still making it entertaining to the casual viewer and those in the mood for a cheap, easy laugh. So enjoy yourselves, and let us know what you think of these quotes in the comments below.
Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons
100. I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them. -Chief Wiggum

99. Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog. -Homer Simpson

98. Go out on a Tuesday? Who am I, Charlie Sheen? -Marge Simpson

97. It’s all over, people! We don’t have a prayer! -Reverend Lovejoy

96. Now we play the waiting game…Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos! -Homer Simpson

95. Trust me, Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them. -MilhouseNed Flanders, The Simpsons Van Houten

94. There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut! -Bart Simpson

93. Unshrink you? Well that would require some sort of a Rebigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle… -Professor Frink

92. Wait a minute. Bart’s teacher is named ‘Krabappel’? Oh, I’ve been calling her ‘Crandall.’ Why didn’t anyone tell me? Ohhh, I’ve been making an idiot out of myself! -Homer Simpson

91. Boy, I tell ya, they only come out at night. Or in this case, the daytime. -Chief Wiggum

90. Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.” -Troy McClure

89. I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me. -Grampa Simpson

88. It tastes like…burning. -Ralph Wiggum
Principal Skinner, The Simpsons
87. This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let’s see. It was the best of times, it was the “blurst” of times! You stupid monkey! -Mr. Burns

86. We want chilly-willy! We want chilly-willy! -Barney Gumble

85. (on phone) Lord, give me guidance…That’s right, the guidance department. Thank you, Mrs. Lord. -Principal Skinner

84. But look! I got some cool pogs: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He’s back…in pog form! -Milhouse Van Houten

83. Ha ha wha. Oh, sorry I’m late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Wh-ha ha. -Professor Frink

82. “We the purple?” What the hell was that? –Father of losing child contestant

81. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it. -Lenny

80. A philaGrampa Simpson, The Simpsonsnthropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns’ grave. -Kent Brockman

79. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. -Conan O’Brien

78. I wash myself with a rag on a stick. – Future Bart Simpson

77. People, please. We’re all frightened and horny, but we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring! -Mayor Quimby

76. My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star. -Grampa Simpson

75. Save me, Jebus! -Homer Simpson

74. Bake him away, toys. -Chief Wiggum

73. Hey, everybody! I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and…I like to kiss my own butt. -Moe the Bartender
Bart Simpson, The Simpsons
72. Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts? -Krusty the Clown

71. Another day, another box of stolen pens. -Homer Simpson

70. Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all…nothing at all…nothing at all! -Ned Flanders

69. Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of Santa. -Bart Simpson

68. I’d be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it. -Lisa Simpson

67. Oh bApu, The Simpsonsoy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk! -Homer Simpson

66. I don’t get mad, I get stabby. -Fat Tony

65. Tonight, on “Wings”… ah, who cares? -TV Announcer

64. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. -Dr. Nick Riviera

63. I can’t believe you don’t shut up! -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

62. Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It’s a winning combination. –Lenny

61. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson

60. My eyes! The goggles do nothing! -Rainer Wolfcastle
Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
59. Priceless like a mother’s love, or the good kind of priceless? -Bart Simpson

58. Science. What’s science ever done for us? TV off. -Moe the Bartender

57. Chocolate microscopes? -Ralph Wiggum

56. Oops, lost a nail. Well, that’s leprosy for you. -Mr. Burns

55. I’m filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar. -Grampa Simpson

54. Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”? -Mr. Largo

53. Ya useMarge Simpson, The Simpsonsd me, Skinner! YA USED ME! -Groundskeeper Willie

52. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidently” with “repeatedly,” and replace “dog” with “son.” -Lionel Hutz

51. I don’t mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you’re taking a shower. -Marge Simpson

50. Hi, you’ve reached the Corey Hotline — $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, Montessori… -Corey Hotline

49. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick’s Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? -Kent Brockman

48. WeNelson Muntz, The Simpsonsll, if by “wank” you mean educational fun, then stand back, it’s wanking time! -Principal Skinner

47. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. -Nelson Muntz

46. This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort, heading in the direction of…you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. -Chief Wiggum

45. Stupid sexy Flanders! -Homer Simpson

44. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy. -Bart Simpson

43. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. -Homer Simpson

42. Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. -Mayor Quimby

41. WheComic Book Guy, The Simpsonsn are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? (begins to cry) –Milhouse Van Houten

40. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. -Comic Book Guy

39. Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. –Random Teacher

38. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand. -Homer Simpson

37. My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…malk? -Bart Simpson

36. Me fail English? That’s unpossible. -Ralph Wiggum

35. La…tex con…dome. Boy, I’d like to live in one of those! -Grampa Simpson

34. When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off. -Homer Simpson
Moe the Bartender, The Simpsons
33. Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you. -Mr. Burns

32. Oh boy. Looks like it’s suicide again for me. -Moe the Bartender

31. I’m trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! -Homer Simpson

30. Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling. -Jasper

29. How can I prove we’re live? Penis! -Kent Brockman

28. Now make like my pants, and split. -Comic Book Guy

27. For the next five minutes, I’m going to party like it’s on sale for $19.99. -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Krusty the Clown, The Simpsons
26. You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice. -Marge Simpson

25. Ahh, there’s nothing better than a cigarette… unless it’s a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill. -Krusty the Clown

24. Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. Then why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? -Milhouse Van Houten

23. Stupider like a fox! -Homer Simpson

22. Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there’s a pair for you. Don’t like them? Then neither do I! [throws them out the door] Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe? -Hank Scorpio

21. Uh, no you’ve got the wrong number. This is 9-1… 2. -Chief Wiggum

20. Yes,Mr. Burns, The Simpsons but I’d trade it all for a little more. -Mr. Burns

19. What do you mean I can’t take off my sweater? I’m HOT! -Drunk Mr. Rogers

18. I’m so hungry, I could eat at Arby’s. -Sherri or Terri

17. Oh, dear God. Can’t this town go one day without a riot? -Mayor Quimby

16. By the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him, though…him and that little boy of his. -Principal Skinner

15. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. -Homer Simpson

14. My cat’s breath smells like cat food. -Ralph Wiggum

13. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. -Bart Simpson

12. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! -Barney Gumble

11. I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly. -Moe the Bartender
Milhouse, The Simpsons
10. You don’t win friends with salad. -Homer Simpson

9. If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake. -Chief Wiggum

8. Homer, you’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it! -Grampa Simpson

7. Well, if it isn’t my old friend, Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg. -Dr. Nick Riviera

6. We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want any more bears! -Townspeople
Hans Moleman, The Simpsons
5. Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip! -Homer Simpson

4. Everything’s coming up Milhouse! -Milhouse Van Houten

3. I was saying “Boo-urns.” -Hans Moleman

2. I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try. -Bart Simpson

1. To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. -Homer Simpson