Congratulations, you’ve just been selected with the first pick in the 2013 NFL Draft drinking game extravaganza. The league turned the draft into a prime-time event and you can do the same at home or at a bar with this game.
The draft, and your drinking, kicks off on Thursday at 8 p.m. on NFL Network and/or ESPN (more on that later), at which time you’ll sit down with a printout of this page, some buddies, and an ample supply of beer. (Buddies optional.) We designed it primarily for the main event, but feel free to keep playing throughout the weekend.
A couple of caveats. 1) There’s pretty much no way you’ll be able to keep track of all the rules – so choose your own adventure. 2) The goal is to make the draft a beery spectacle, not a total shitshow that results in vomiting, so have fun, but don’t regurgitate. (Unless you’re a Browns fan. Then it’s totally understandable.)
FOR ALL PARTICIPANTS, REGARDLESS WHICH BROADCAST YOU’RE WATCHING
Single servings (one swig of beer each occurrence):
1. For every pick until Geno Smith gets taken.
2. Every time a player from an SEC school is selected.
3. When you hear the following names:
a. Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow
b. Colin Kaepernick, Andrew Luck, RG III or Russell Wilson
c. Manti Te’o
d. Darrelle Revis
e. John Elway, Dan Marino or Jim Kelly
f. Manning (Eli or Peyton)
g. Ray Lewis
h. Brian Urlacher
i. Sean Payton
4. When you hear the following buzz words:
b. Red flag or “character” (concern, issue, whatever)
k. War room
q. Impact player
5. When a player is shown talking on a phone in the green room.
6. When a draftee holds up the jersey of his new team.
7. When Barkevious Mingo comes off the board.
1. If you spot a cougar mom. And call it out! (Note: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; don’t hate).
2. If a prospect is shown sitting with a hot girlfriend (or fiancée or wife) at his side.
3. Take another double if a prospect has a hot girlfriend (or fiancée or wife) but has his arm around his agent instead.
4. Every time a QB is selected.
5. If you spot a 40-plus year-old man with his face painted.
6. If you see personnel in a team’s War Room exchanging high fives after a pick.
7. If you see a prospect wearing lenseless glasses.
8. If you notice a player wearing a Windsor tie knotted roughly as large as Merrill Hoge’s.
9. When you notice a player’s mother crying; take another if she’s bawling hysterically.
10. When a player from a non-FBS school is taken.
1. If anyone associated with the broadcast tips a pick, i.e., reveals a team’s selection prior to the pick getting called.
2. If teams exchange draft picks while one of the teams is on the clock.
3. If a team’s selection time expires for any reason… a la Baltimore in 2011.
4. If a draftee gives a shout out to the designer of his custom made suit.
5. If Chance Warmack’s belly is exposed during footage from his highlight reel.
6. If Andy Reid is shown in the Chief’s War Room eating or chewing something.
1. Each time Goodell and a player hug, drink for the entire duration and once the hug finishes, take a breath and drink an additional shot for each “man slap” that the pair exchanges during the embrace.
If Jets fans boo When Jets fans boo the team’s selection. Do not stop drinking until the boos subside. Continue for an additional 10 seconds if you’re a Jets fan.
FOR THOSE WATCHING ESPN’S COVERAGE
1. When Gruden says “I like” in any context.
2. When Adam Schefter is shown on camera looking down at his cell phone.
1. Every time Gruden mentions Syracuse quarterback Ryan Nassib.
2. Every time Kiper talks over Todd McShay.
If Gruden says anything negative about a player.
If Todd McShay snaps and shouts at Kiper, “Well screw you, Dad!!!”
FOR THOSE WATCHING NFL NETWORK’S COVERAGE
1. Every time Michelle Beisner appears on camera.
2. When Rich Eisen tries not to laugh at an inappropriate joke.
1. When Deion Sanders refers to himself in the third person (including Leon Sandcastle).
2. When someone at one of the 16 draft parties shown by the network appears to be drunker than you are.
Every time Michael Irvin speaks for more than 20 seconds uninterrupted without making a salient point.
If Les Miles chews grass on the air (he’ll appear Saturday afternoon).
Celebratory dance party every time “College Football Playoff” is referenced.