It’s the dog days of summer, and we all know what that means: There’s nothing on TV (at least until “Breaking Bad” returns). Of course, there are always movies. But the big problem there is that they aren’t made to be shown on television (well, at least not the ones full of the meaningless sex and violence that we all crave). Yet, it seems no matter how implausible it would be to edit these films for TV, the more likely it is to happen. While this is ripe for parody, often times none is even needed – like with this list of some of the worst edits and dubs in television history.
What are some good M and F combos? (Snakes on a Plane)
We’re not quite sure who came up with the bizarre dubs for this one, but we have to assume that they are intentionally bad, right? I mean, it’s a movie about snakes … on a plane. The dubbing shouldn’t be any better than the premise itself. At least whoever is doing the Sammy L. voice isn’t half bad.
Mr. Falcon (Die Hard 2)
“Yippie Ki Yay, Mr. Falcon” is known as one of the worst dubs in television history, considering there is no actual character named Mr. Falcon in the film and the person doing the voice-over sounds nothing like Bruce Willis. However, some of the other edits in the TV version may actually be worse. Click here for all of them. It’s quite a joking joke.
Here to Party (Kill Bill)
If you’ve seen this movie, you know his name is Buck. And you know he likes to f**k. Dubbing it to say he is here to party actually makes the whole situation even creepier.
Stranger in the Alps (The Big Lebowski)
Call us crazy, but maybe they should have just muted the whole “F a stranger in the A” line all together. I mean, what was that part about scrambled eggs? For our money, the whole “[valued] rug” line earlier in the TV edit fairs much better (but it’s still pretty terrible).
A Flipper (The Matrix)
We get that they don’t allow you to show the middle finger on television, but to actually censor over “the finger.” Oh come on!
Go Stuff Yourself! (Casino)
Wow. Mobsters are even more sensitive than we figured. If you’re in the habit of throwing around “freak yous” and “maggots,” just make sure to watch your back. Robert De Niro could be right behind you, and he doesn’t take too kindly to that type of talk.
Little Sucker (Pulp Fiction)
Much like “Casino,” this is simply one of those movies that you should probably just pay the ten dollars on Amazon for. There’s a certain punch that is lost when someone is referred to as a “little sucker” that can make even Samuel L. Jackson seem less badass. Just kidding. That’s impossible, but you get what we’re saying.
Plucking Chickens (Scarface)
Perhaps the ultimate “not made for network television” movie, for some reason Universal still insists on airing it. Kudos to the whole “chicken waiting to be plucked” line, though. At least it makes some sort of sense in comparison to how bad we already know these dubs can get.
Fairy Godmother (The Usual Suspects)
That’s it, we’re officially convinced now that the people editing these films do it badly on purpose.
Mother Crusher (RoboCop)
Yes, this movie eventually generated a TV series based on it, so it’s a little more understandable that it be shown on television, too. But just because it has an excuse, doesn’t mean that it isn’t stupid, stupid [stupid] … !
You Missed a Couple (Blade: Trinity)
If you’re going to edit out the word “dick,” how about a little consistency? Seriously, was there a “dick” quota or something? Also, “hoo-hoo?” Come on, this movie is hard enough to sit through as it is.
Something about digital bras just tickles us. That’s all.
I’m Not a Casserole! (Pineapple Express)
It’s hard to understand how the mute button doesn’t win over ridiculous dubs like this.
They’re Gonna [Flip] Out (Weird Science)
We get that this movie has a bit of foul language in it, but come on. They even dubbed over words like “bang” (not even in the dirty context) and “studs.” Yet, the holographic boobs made the cut. And that’s just the beginning.
Who Said Anything About Sandwiches? (Dumb & Dumber)
At last, we’ve reached the end. After all the censors who let the word “ass” slide, we finally have one who didn’t. But what would Harry have to sign after he kissed it that would make some sort of logical sense, yet still sound similar enough to the original line? A cast, perhaps? A bass? Nah, too easy.