The Ultimate Fictitious Basketball Dream Team

Your favorite basketball movie characters would destroy the 1992 Olympic squad.

Rob Feeby Rob Fee

Everyone loves to put together their all-time NBA dream team. We get it: You’d want Michael Jordan and Lebron on your team. Big surprise. So, instead of doing a team made up of the same old players, we decided to put together the real all stars: fictitious players from movies. This is a team of players so talented, they don’t even exist in the actual world! Move over 1992 Olympic squad, here’s the real Dream Team.

teen wolf

1. Teen Wolf
No surprise here. Teenager Scott Howard took the basketball world by storm when he morphed into a wolf and instantly became a hairy Tim Hardaway. The only downside to his play is that he’s extremely emotional, almost to a fault. It doesn’t exactly make sense that a wolf would possess tremendous basketball skills, but who are we to question God-given ability?

sidney deane, , white men can't jump

2. Sidney Deane from “White Men Can’t Jump”
Unlike Wesley Snipes, who portrayed the character, Deane has no problems with the bank. I’m referring to his ability to shoot bank shots.He’s got the skills of a young Dominique Wilkins along with the street smarts to lead this team to victory.

billy hoyle, white men can't jump

3. Billy Hoyle from “White Men Can’t Jump
Don’t let the fact that he looks like the guy from “Cheers” fool you, he’s a three-point shooting machine. While he does dress like a 1980s Orlando, Florida, tourist, that doesn’t stop hinder his pure jump shot. Look for him to light up the scoreboards in whatever obscure foreign country the Olympics are being played in this year.

juwanna mann

4. Juwanna Mann
Is he a man or is she a woman? It doesn’t matter when you’ve got a crossover dribble like that, does it? If he can keep his showboating and antics to a minimum, he’ll have the sweet taste of a gold medal in no time. He probably won’t be able to keep wearing a bra, however.

air bud

5. Air Bud
Did you really think the most dominant canine ever to walk onto a court would be overlooked? Air Bud may not be able to pass, dribble or communicate through human language, but his “toss me the ball and I’ll hit it with my snout into the basket” skills are off the charts. How do you defend a dog? Answer: You can’t.

scott mcknight, just wright
6. Scott McKnight from “Just Wright”
Although only 6 people saw McKnight play in this Queen Latifah feature, he still possesses a tremendous amount of talent. Some worried that a knee injury may be the end of his career, but after smooching Paula Patton and then moving on to her sister (Latifah), McKnight is back and better than ever. He’s definitely not a “Common” player. Get it? Common is the actor who plays him. That’s funny stuff.

jesus shuttlesworth, he got game

7. Jesus Shuttlesworth from “He Got Game
He may not have a strong grasp on grammar, but he has the basketball skills of a Dwayne Wade NBA Jam character. The only downside to having him on the team is that he will most definitely insist on playing that awful “Started from the bottom / Now I’m here” song before and during every game. You win this round, Drake.

bugs bunny, space jam

8. Bugs Bunny from “Space Jam
Since we can’t include the Monstars or Michael Jordan, the next best player on that court was Bugs Bunny. His ability to pass the ball using only his ears is a feat that only Mark Price pulled off during the 1996 Olympics. He will have to adjust to not using weapons on the court, but his instincts should take over and he’ll be a tremendous asset to the roster.

saleh, the air up there

9. Saleh from “The Air Up There
If you have any doubt as to how valuable Saleh is, take a moment to consider that Kevin Bacon traveled all the way to the deepest jungles of Africa just to have the opportunity to speak with him about playing for his college team. Where else are you going to find a dominant big man who also wears a feather on his head? No downside here, only wins.

lewis scott, celtic pride

10. Lewis Scott from “Celtic Pride”
Scott is so talented that Dan Aykroyd and Marv from “Home Alone” decided to kidnap him in order for his team to lose. Has Lebron ever been kidnapped? I’m willing to bet Marv doesn’t even know who Kyrie Irving is! You know you’re skilled when the only way to defeat you is by criminal acts.

calvin cambridge, like mike

11. Calvin Cambridge from “Like Mike”
Some may frown at the idea of putting a 14-year-old child on a team playing against adults, but those people will be silenced once they see what Cambridge can do. Also, he’s an orphan so you don’t have to concern yourself with pesky parents complaining about too much practice or the legal drinking age!

jimmy chitwood, hoosiers

12. Jimmy Chitwood from “Hoosiers”
There is no other blue-collar athlete like Chitwood. He led a ragtag basketball team to the state championship despite the fact that it was coached by one of “The Royal Tenenbaums” and a drunken loser. He may be the last spot on the team, but he’s definitely no Christian Laettner (who I still can’t believe made the Dream Team). Let’s never speak of Laettner’s name again, ok?