You probably think “Big” is a whimsical story of a man-child who teaches adults that life is all about being young at heart. Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. “Big” is one of the creepiest movies of all time and no one has really taken the time to realize it … until now.
The movie starts out with two teenage boys talking about how they look down their female teacher’s shirt in an attempt to see her woman-titties.
You may not think much about that now, but that’s basically the entire theme of the movie. A few seconds later, this side ponytail-sporting, customized denim vest-wearing teen comes by and our lead character, Josh, gets so boned up he can’t even speak. We get it guys – he’s super horny.
After getting shot down at the carnival and told he wasn’t tall enough to ride on some lame roller coaster that only a bunch of hicks would be excited to ride anyway, Josh leaves the beaten path and travels over to the desolate corners of the carney fest. Here, he finds a magic sex demon that is going to transform him into the giant, love making machine that is Tom Hanks.
Oh, it’s not a demon, you say? Tell that to this shot that looks like it could be a deleted scene from “The Conjuring”:
“Tell me your wish and I will grant it! I will feast upon the bones of your enemies. I will burn the land of an entire country. I will cause fire to pour out of the skies and devour the Earth like the g- What’s that? Oh you’d like to have the body of a grown man and the mentality of a child? Well, I could just go back in time and convince your mother to smoke while she’s pregnant, or I could just make you wake up and function like Johnny Knoxville. Yeah, let’s do that.” Great use of your wish, Josh. Notice he didn’t specify what he meant by “I wish I was big.” Probably just meant in a sexual way so he could get more ladies. This movie is basically a non-stop orgy.
The next morning he wakes up to this:
We’re only ten minutes into this thing and they’ve already gotten rid of the kid so Josh can get into some PG-13 scenarios immediately!
“Hmm, I wonder if my wish of being ‘big’ came true?”
“Hot diggity dog! I’ve completely filled up these underoos with grown man ding-dong! I’ll be plowin’ the ladies in no time!” Josh rushes out the door in search of gals to hit up with his new found physique.
On a side note from all the horniness, there is also this heartwarming scene that taught me, as a kid, that if a stranger knows the same nursery rhyme song that I do, then he’s definitely my friend and I should spend time with him alone and keep all of his secrets from the mean old adults that just don’t understand him. There’s no way he could have overheard our song or could have been following us. Nope, the only logical explanation is that a magic sorcerer morphed him into the guy from “Cast Away” after he beckoned the demon from its summit upon Mount Wishmore. That’s the conclusion that seems most legit. But I digress.
The kid steals some money and clothes from his dad, who is apparently in a homeless ska band and brings them to Josh. Probably brought all the pills out of the medicine cabinet as well. Then the two of them GET ON A BUS to New York City. That’s right, because this grown, strange man knew a song that he also knew, this kid travels away from home, and then insists on getting a hotel room!
Is this reverse “To Catch A Predator”? Literally everything you wouldn’t want your kid to do in this situation, he does. Thanks for the advice, director Penny Marshall. Now, back to our sexual deviant.
Josh decides that he should get a job and goes in for an interview. He is sold on the position as soon as he gets to check out the tush on this lovely lady wearing a curtain. That’s a great way to start a new job: sexual harassment!
He somehow gets the job despite not knowing his social security number and is assigned a cubicle next to Jon “Can I Smell Your Office Chair” Lovitz who gives him the rundown on how to plow all the ladies in the office. “Hey what’s your name? Doesn’t matter, wanna hook up with some whores??”
Josh gets up from his desk, probably to take care of a certain problem in the bathroom (see: boner) when he bumps into a group of people. What does he do? TRIES TO GET A LOOK AT THEM TITTIES!
Are you kidding me? Keep it in your pants, pal.
Josh takes a moment from trying to launch his voyeur career to play with what is probably the worst toy in the history of toys. Sure that big, goofy keyboard looks cool on here, but where are you going to put that thing in your house? Now your entire living room floor is covered in piano and every time you walk across the room it sounds like Ray Charles throwing a tantrum. What happens when one of your awful kids undoubtedly spills juice on it? Now the keys are all sticky and the minor keys are shot to pieces. But yeah, if McBainbridge can play chopsticks on it with Woody the Sheriff, then your annoying kid has to have one. (Hanks could also be called “Woody the Sheriff” in this movie, by the way.)
After working his way up the ladder of the company, he gets his coworker, Susan, to come over to his house and jump on the trampoline while he watches.
Somehow neither his house, which looks like a pedophile’s workshop, nor the fact that she has to sleep in an over-sized peewee league football jersey in a bunk bed doesn’t deter her! He also gives her a green lantern ring. Which part of this makes her think, “Yeah, I should develop a relationship with him. That makes sense.”
He gets into a fist fight with Peter McCallister from “Home Alone” and then goes on a few more dates with Susan when this happens:
That’s right, a grown, adult woman is making out with what is actually a child. How is this OK? Well at least it stops there, right? An innocent kiss out in public and then t- oh god no.
They’re back at her place! Well at least it stops there, with a little making out. I guess that’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s definitely illegal, but sh- oh god, she pulled out her titties.
And he’s feeling all up on them! Why does she look like she’s enjoying that so much? He’s pressing on it like he’s testing the durability of a mattress.
SPEAKING OF TESTING THE DURABILITY OF A MATTRESS:
OH MY GOD, HOW IS THIS OK ON ANY LEVEL?
There are a bunch of life lessons or something for the next few minutes, like we’re actually going to learn anything from the touching story of child/woman sex-making. Josh tries to explain to Susan that he is a child and that she is now a sex offender, but she doesn’t want to hear it.
Imagine the deformed, abomination to God that would have grown in her womb if she had become pregnant with this mutant’s spawn? Just when you think things couldn’t get any creepier, Susan comes to a sudden realization that Josh is actually a child and goes searching for him. She comes across his best friend as she exits her building. Why doesn’t she just bring him up to the room and bang him, too? She’s taken up a new career: deflowering tweens. Fortunately for the ratings board, she skips this round of lovemaking.
Unfortunately for her, Josh has already discovered the prison where the demon of all horniness is kept and requested to be freed from his cage of mature woman intercourse. He wishes to go back to being a child while the demon makes gross, sexual mouth motions.
Josh tells her he made his wish and she responds with, “What are you? 15? 16?” Really, lady? Does it matter at this point? He tells her that he’s actually 13 and she replies with, “Well, that explains it.” WHAT? That explains nothing! You’re fine with the fact that this guy just told you he is a child in the body of the breaker of “The Da Vinci Code”? There are two possible scenarios here: 1.) You are dating a lunatic who thinks he is actually a child so he’s probably insane, or 2.) He’s actually a child and, not only are you a sexual deviant to children, but also … MAGIC IS A REAL THING! How are you so calm in this situation? Hogwarts could be an actual school! Everything we know about the world is wrong and you’re this passive?
She then proceeds to drive him home because, sure. Why not? You’ve already committed a felony, what’s another charge or two? She then says, “You won’t even remember me.” Uh, really? You think he’ll forget about the time he magically turned into Larry Crowne and had sex with an adult while he was a teen? Yeah, I’d say that’ll be stuck in his head for years and years of therapy.
He gives her a little wave, as to say, “I’m still a child and you let me enter your body.” And everyone goes on their way.
BUT NOT BEFORE SHE SEES HIM ACTUALLY TURN BACK INTO A CHILD!
So what does she do? Scream in horror? Kill herself? Drive her car into a ravine? Nope, she just gives him a smile. “See ya around, kid. Thanks for the romp in my bed!”
We get a nice shot of the home and everything is back to normal, right?
Sure, except for the following things:
- Josh has been supposedly kidnapped for months. There is going to be questions, manhunts and investigations. You don’t just walk back in from a kidnapping and say, “LOL, glad that’s over!”
- How is Susan going to explain where Josh went? “Oh he magically transformed into a child, so I guess that was his two-week notice! In two weeks, you’ll notice that he is a child now haha.”
- How messed up is Josh going to be for the rest of his life? He had an extensive affair with an adult woman at the age of 13!
- On that note, how messed up is Susan going to be for the rest of her life? She seems way too comfortable with knowing that she is a child-sexer now.
- How weird will Josh and Billy’s friendship be for the rest of their lives? “Hey, remember that time period when you turned into an adult? Oh man, crazy times, huh?”
- Why does everyone consider this a nice, inspirational story for the whole family? Don’t let your children watch this movie ever! As a matter of fact, anyone who buys this should be put on some government watch list. This is, without a doubt, the creepiest story ever told.