It’s not enough they’re green and good for you, but avocados are also the most versatile piece of produce on the market, and since many people don’t know about the many uses of avocados, we’re going to enlighten your produce purchasing process and brightened up your days with our little green fruit friend, the avocado.
Green Tea Ice Cream
If there’s one way to reel you suckers in, it’s with ice cream. Although it may not be sold out the back of a rapist-looking van with bullet holes, it is easily accessible to purchase and to make yourself.
Without the heavy cream and high fat content like most ice creams, avocado green tea ice cream maintains the creamy consistency anyway, lowers cholesterol instead of raising it and tastes better than glitter shot out of a unicorn’s ass after it’s been dry humping a rainbow, we think. All you need is four avocados, milk, sugar, green tea powder and a lemon.
Just as many people don’t know pain management traits of (cannabis oil), the same goes for a nicely ripened avocado. Using the oils found in avocados to mix with B-vitamins, people suffering from arthritis and skin conditions can reduce symptoms and irritation by applying it as a topical solution. Avocado oil has a dark, rich texture that is both moisturizing and soothing to applied areas. Although it’s popular with some chronic conditions like psoriasis and sclerosis, it’s also hip to toothache remedies, but dentists prefer to drill holes in your head instead of tell you that much.
If you’ve been hard at the blender trying to make a smoothie you can choke down but continually come up with watery dogshit, then you need to make it creamy. Some people use bananas in this scenario, but the avocado works the same way and has plenty of reasons to be in the smoothie business, maybe more than the banana does anyway.
Avocado is popular with a few other antioxidants and healthy pieces of produce, including cucumber and blueberries. All you need is a little Greek yogurt and some anger management for the first few trials.
Dips and Spreads
Aside from the obvious guacamole, avocado is a great substitute for spreads like mayonnaise and butter, but it can also be used to make some pretty badass dips. If you’ve never mixed salsa and guacamole together, like the salsa con queso of the healthy eating snackers, you might want to.
There’re a number of sexy dips out there, but if you want a few quickies, you can go with the Tropical Dip using avocado, pineapple and orange juice or go western with Tex-Mex Dip using avocado, cilantro and chili powder. There’s also a spicy dip using avocado, cayenne pepper, jalapeno and hot sauce, but either way, Pinkman will probably be proud and so will your fiery butthole.
Exfoliate & Hair Care
Some men are about as opposed to exfoliating as they are to a dry thumb up the ass, so for the avocado mask, we say, “To each his own.” It doesn’t have to be exfoliating masks with cucumber eyes, a house robe and shower cap; we know you’re not Mrs. Doubtfire, but you can use it as a face scrub using household items instead of taking out a second mortgage. You can make it as easily as mixing avocado, honey and hot water.
Essentially hair conditioner, avocado and honey mixed together also provide the nutrients your trampy hair needs since your mother no longer scrubs you in the bathtub. Or maybe she does and this would make her job easier. All you have to do is mix up avocado and honey into a creamy texture and apply it to your hair for 15 minutes before washing it out, which also promotes hair growth. Then your skin will glow and hair will shine. You might even be halfway dateable!
Cholesterol Reduction & Heart Disease Prevention
Avocado may be good on the surface, but it also treats your insides well too. An invaluable fruit, the avocado contains certain healthy fats and oils that contain as many as 20 nutrients, including fiber and potassium and vitamins A, C, E and K.
Like we said earlier, it’s healthy to eat avocado just because, not just as a substitute. The tropical fruit contains three times the potassium of a banana, and since potassium helps control high blood pressure, avocado does a much better job at keeping you at a lower risk for heart disease. In addition, the high fiber content contained in avocados helps lower cholesterol, plus it keeps you away from the bad cholesterol when you use it as a substitute for butter, cream and mayo.
Like anything worth writing an editorial about, avocados are great straight up, an in-between-meals snack by themselves. Whether you like them neat, on the spoon or chilled is up to you, but anybody who enjoys a good secret might like to know avocados are great with just a little seasoning salt or everything spice. It’s simple, delicious and full of nutrients like potassium, fiber and B-vitamins, not to mention a hell of a lot healthier than downing a block of cheese casually too.
Diarrhea & Menstrual Flow
We all have bodies that do weird things, especially women, but if you’re finding yourself visiting the john quite often with a sudden case of the squirts, traveler’s diarrhea or common IBS, avocado comes to the rescue. Since it has the highest fiber content of any fruit, moderation is recommended at first, but avocados have been known to have a soothing effect on irritated bowels. Fun fact: avocado can also trigger diarrhea. Tread carefully in the public pool.
As for the menstrual flow, avocado is a known stimulant for it. We just included this info to get you thinking. Maybe it’ll help your old lady someday. Or maybe it’s not something you prefer to ever bring up.
Marinade & Dressing
With a number of simple, popular avocado-based dressings, avocado can really work its way into any situation, including as a marinade. Now we’re talking meats, and this lesson just became sexy.
First off, let’s get this vegetable talk out of the way by saying avocados are hip with cucumber in salad dressings, as well as mixing nicely into an avocado vinaigrette or avocado lime juice dressing. Basically, whatever dressing you’re into, you can probably add a mashed avocado to it to make it healthier and taste better.
Bringing sexy back, you can make all sorts of marinades, garlic, spicy, whatever you like using avocado. If you like your steaks and want to enjoy more of them, mixing avocado in with your chopped veggies and spices will make it better in every conceivable way. Here’s a sample.
Burgers, sandwiches and breakfast foods are all a little more exotic and delectable when a few slices of avocado are involved. If you leave avocado out of the fun, it’s like going to a dark, loud brothel on a Tuesday night and not seeing any women there. Some people are okay with that, but I like my avocado whenever I can have it. It’s delicious, healthy, smart and the chicks just eat it up. Plus they’re pretty to look at, the avocados that is.