Photo: Givenworks (Getty)
Now that the new year is here, there is no doubt that you’ve had a moment where you sat down and came up with a few things you’re going to change in your life. Let’s be realistic though, you’re going to completely abandon these by Super Bowl Sunday. Here are some of those resolutions you’re going to break, but to help you out … we added in a resolution that you will definitely be more likely to keep!
1. Start Going to the Gym
This is the resolution everyone makes and no one keeps. You know you’re not going to start going to the gym, so why lie to yourself? Do you really think you’re going to go from lying on your couch 8 hours per day, to joining a spin class? No way.
Resolution You Will Keep: Play more Xbox
Take this year to really work on your Gamerscore or to finally finish up the “Mass Effect” trilogy. Even if you don’t want to shell out hundreds of dollars on an Xbox One, it’s a great time to pick up a classic 360 game you may have missed. “Bioshock,” anyone?
2. Spend More Time with Family
You’re going to call your grandma maybe three times and then forget about it until your mom yells at you for ignoring her. “She’s 86! Who knows how much longer she’ll be around.” Still though, no way you can sit through that many phone calls with three-minute awkward pauses between questions about the weather.
Resolution You Will Keep: Watch all the WWE Royal Rumbles
There have been 15 Royal Rumbles, so even if you only do two per month, you’ll be finished with this one before summer ends. Plus, most of them are available on YouTube, so you have no reason not to finish this one. The early ones are great because they aren’t as scripted and you’ll get several minutes of guys just lying on top of each other. Classic.
3. Drink Less
If you’re on the verge of becoming an alcoholic, by all means, stop drinking so much. For the casual drinker that’s just looking to cut out the empty calories, forget about it. Your friends are going to invite you out to the bar and you’ll start doing shots. It’s inevitable.
Resolution You Will Keep: Don’t Give Any Girl You Date Your Netflix Password
It happens every time. You meet a girl, go out a few times, and before you know it, you’ve given her your Netflix login information so she can watch “What Not to Wear” on her layover at the Denver airport. Now every time you pay that $9 bill, you’re reminded of the girl who broke it off with you because you were too emotionally available, whatever that means. 2014 is the year of keeping that password to yourself.
4. Read More
You haven’t read a book without pictures since high school, so why do you think you’ll suddenly become a fan of Veronica Roth? If you couldn’t get into the “Game of Thrones” books, there’s little chance you’ll be reading anything else this year.
Resolution You Will Keep: Buy More Groupons
I get emails every day from Groupon for things like mountaintop massages or inspirational zip-lines. Why am I not doing these? The normal price is $300, but the Groupon cuts it down to $40! You’re making decent money, so start treating yourself to a weekly Groupon of your choice. You’re worth it.
5. Lose 20 Pounds
Hahahahaha, no. There’s a Golden Corral next door to your office, so you’re lucky you can fit through the doors. Unless you get a tapeworm, there’s no way this is happening.
Resolution You Will Keep: Enter a Competitive Eating Competition
This may be the exact opposite, but check your local newspaper or online ads and find a competitive eating competition to join. You’ll probably throw up and lose your appetite for the day, so that’s kind of like losing weight, isn’t it? Just don’t develop an eating disorder. That’s a whole other set of problems.
6. Run a Marathon
If you have no other motivation to run a marathon other than marking it off your list of accomplishments, odds are you’re never going to actually do it. Plus, your other resolution was to start exercising, so you’re probably in terrible shape and it’s going to feel like you’re getting stabbed in the abdomen within five minutes of running.
Resolution You Will Keep: Run a Zombie Chase Marathon
This is the only way I would ever run a marathon. Obviously you’re too fat to keep pace in a normal 5K, but if a group of people dressed like zombies are chasing you, while screaming and yelling, that should be just the motivation you need. Of course you could just end up crying during it, but we’ll believe for the best.
7. Go Back to School
It’s been a decade since the last time you went to school. You have a full time job and a family, so it’s not like there’s hours of free time where you could cram in a few trade classes at the local community college. Also, do you really want to sit in a classroom next to a 19-year-old guy with a popped collar and a nicer car than you?
Resolution You Will Keep: Learn a Skill From YouTube Videos
Forget online classes, YouTube is full of instructional videos for everything you could want to do and more. You could learn how to play the acoustic guitar and then bring your guitar to every party your friends invite you to, until everyone hates you and your stupid acoustic guitar. No one wants to hear you play “Wonderwall,” when I have “Wonderwall” on the playlist, Steve.
8. Stop Smoking
You really should stop smoking because your breath smells like an open sewer, but this would also require you to stop drinking and to stop hanging out with everyone you know that smokes. We both know there’s no way that’s going to happen.
Resolution You Will Keep: Don’t Join a Fight Club
I’ve made this resolution every year for the last decade and I’ve kept it every time. You know how good it feels to have a resolution you’ve never broken? It’s incredible. Of course if anyone invited me to a fight club it may be a different story, but until then, I’m 10/10!
9. Save Money
It would probably be easier to save money if you didn’t insist on shopping on eBay every time you’ve had a few drinks. You may not have saved any money, but at least you got to buy the original stuffed bunny used in “Honey I Blew Up the Kid.” Isn’t that worth more than money? Probably not.
Resolution You Will Keep: Stop Rewatching the “Final Destination” Movies
Every time you’re flipping through the channels, it’s on. Somehow one of the dumbest film franchises in the history of cinema is constantly on TV. Make a promise to yourself that you’re not going to watch Devon Sawa battle against death again. If you need an equally bad substitute, just watch the “Saw” sequels.
10. Enjoy Life More
Everyone always seems to make this resolution, but it’s so vague that it’s impossible to keep. Does this mean dancing to the mailbox every day? Adopting a puppy? Buying a jet ski? I have no idea, but it sounds like something a 16-year old girl would write in your yearbook.
Resolution You Will Keep: Don’t Buy the New iPhone The Day It Comes Out
Ready for a great way to save almost a grand? Don’t buy a new iPhone the day it comes out when you have a free upgrade in two months. Do you really think your life is going to fall apart if you don’t have a fingerprint security system on your phone that’s full of nothing but pictures of your dog and awkward text message screenshots? I believe in you. You can make it.