9 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Lyft Driver

The dark side of working for Lyft.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham

The days of yellow taxi cabs may be numbered, as regular citizens have taken over the job of carting around carriageless business folk and the drunkest dandies. Ride-sharing systems like Lyft are the new rage, and it’s people like you and me that make it possible for our fellow man. But before you go signing yourself and your vehicle up to make some extra scratch, you might want to know why it sucks to be a Lyft driver.

Backseat Vomit
backseat vomit, puke on car
You may have just met, but a good drunk is never too shy to share their dinner with their driver. If you hear the pre-vomit gagging, hit the eject button (or kindly pull over as fast as possible).

Unwelcoming Sights and Smells
Homeless man digging through dumpster in Los Angeles California
When you become a Lyft driver, you’re opening your door to just about anybody with a phone, and surprisingly, that often includes the smelly. And it definitely includes the douchey. So while the permanent stink of body odor fills your nooks and crannies, and countless drunken selfies are snapped, you will only be thinking about how huge of a mistake you’ve made and how you wish you were home happily watching TV on the couch.

Sex on Your Seats
couple making out
Sometimes people just can’t wait to get home to get naughty. On the plus side, you might get a free show. And who knows? They might name the kid after you nine months down the road for being a part of their special night.

Drug Dealing in the Desert
breaking bad desert drug deal
If the directions they’re giving you seem to be leading away from the area they originally told you they were going, it’s time to start texting loved ones. A little heads-up: They’ve decided against going home to bed and now you’re driving the potential getaway vehicle.

Backseat Feast
backseat feast, eating in car
“Do you mind if we eat in your car?” “Yes, actually I-oh, you’re already crushing a Taco Bell 12-pack. Good.”

No-Lingual
Two businessmen talking to each other in a car
If you ever wanted to learn how to speak other languages, being a Lyft driver is a harsh environment to facilitate that. You’ll learn every cuss word in every language before you learn how to say “hello.” Also, just like a cabby, nobody will want to talk to you anyways.

Siri Squabbles
Lost, driving lost
If you thought getting wrong directions while driving alone was bad, imagine how happy your asshole stranger customers will be when you drive them a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction while they are asleep.

Breaking Bones Before Going Home
chasing a man
Every cab driver is subjected to cab fare ditchers, but luckily Lyft charges a person’s cell phone. However, Lyft drivers rely on tipping to get paid, and we all know how that goes. And since this is your personal car, you need to be extra cautious with any valuables you have in it. Don’t let anyone get away with your cherished Ace of Base CD.

Angry Out-of-Work Cabbies
taxi driver
Remember when you take this job that you’re putting a lot of hardworking cab drivers out of business so you can have a little extra weed money on the weekends. If you encounter one of these angry cabbies, just let them know you have a drug problem. Hopefully that will smooth things over.