Sick Day. Photo: killerb10 (Getty).
There are a million excuses in the world, but only so many people are going to believe them depending on the situation. Grandma getting run over by a reindeer just isn’t going to cut it anymore, especially when it come to getting out of work. What you need are a batch of irrefutable excuses in your arsenal that cannot be easily detected. Some may call them foolproof lies, but we just call them genius.
“I tried Korean barbecue for the first time last night.”
And obviously, you well overdid it. You’re sweating in places you never knew possible, your clothes reek of meat despite being freshly cleaned, and you get the spins when you stand up. It could be the swine flu, but it’s probably just food poisoning. It’s seeping through your pores, too, and for your coworkers’ sake, it’s best you stay home before someone forces you to leave.
“My 30th birthday was yesterday, and I had too much wine with dinner.”
If your bosses are near or over the age of 30, they’ll understand if you had a rare celebratory drink at your deteriorating age and now you need some time to heal. Saying you’re hungover in your early to mid 20s is completely inexcusable, but when you tell your boss you had more than two glasses of wine with dinner last night for your thirtieth birthday, it goes without saying you need a day of rest.
“I have to get blood work done to check up on some irregularities.”
Unless your boss is a hematologist, how would they know if you’re lying? In fact, use that word “hematologist” so it sounds like you really have one and you’re going to see him. Everyone will wish you luck, but just to avoid bad karma, be honest and say, “I’m sure it’s nothing.” Because it is.
“I’ve been selected for jury duty, despite playing the race card.”
If you need several consecutive days off, tell them it’s your own trial. If you claim you played the race card to get out of jury duty, even though they still kept you to balance the crowd of peers, that shows a moderate attempt to make it to work. Either way, people get summoned for jury duty all the time, so it’s believable, only you’re not even registered in the state you live so you can go to the beach and get paid to stare at bikini buns.
“My girlfriend is dangerously close to discovering where I stash my porn.”
You’re not sure if it’s the stash in the garage, the attic, the one buried in the backyard, at your buddy’s house, in your neighbor’s recycling bin, the bank vault stash, the one in your “tool box,” or the emergency stash, but you have a feeling it’s one of those and you’re not about to let her find it. Damn snoop!
“I’m having a hard time peeing, not to mention performing sexually.”
Whether or not it’s true, nobody is going to ask. Although if they do, it might be an unexpected sign it’s time to look for a new job. If they find out you’re lying but are still willing to talk about your poor performance as a sexual being, they’re going to figure it’s either real important you don’t come in or something much, much worse that they don’t want to know.
“Today, I’m demonstrating my American rights by voting across town no matter how bad the traffic.”
Look at that, the city council in my neighboring town is voting on who will run the annual bake sale. This is our nation’s future we’re talking about! So every election – presidential, city mayor, local 4-H Club livestock judge – will have my input on the best and most deserving candidate. If you care, you’ll take the time, no matter how far away the polls are and how bad traffic may get. You’ll take the whole day, if that’s what it takes!
“My wife is Jewish so I’ll be celebrating all of her holidays this year, as well.”
You weren’t Jewish last week, as far as anybody knows, but today you happen to be celebrating an Orthodox holiday known as…there is a major sporting event you happen to thoroughly enjoy and have pricey, hard-to-come-by tickets to.
“My brother is unexpectedly having his firstborn child today.”
Actually, it’s some guy you know from high school, whose last name you only remember because of Facebook, and he already has five kids at the age of 30 with no sign of stopping soon. But, you just saw his status saying he’s having another one, and that inspired you. Sure, you’ll see hundreds of photos online that you’ll skip through before blocking him from your news feed, but to be there and watch the miracle of life begin anew, priceless.
“I was making business calls in the bathroom and dropped my phone in my own urine. Now I’m at the store to get a new one with a two-hour wait.”
We’ve all been there, even though we know at wrist-deep point in a public bathroom that the phone is not going to work again, we still do it. The only thing worse is going to the phone store and waiting for two hours. This excuse might be real, might not. But everybody has a failed mobile phone-bathroom experience in their lifetime. Today you just happen to be cashing in.
“My car was stolen from my home, but the police think they might have a lead.”
You can’t very well come in during a high-pursuit police investigation. Any minute the case could break wide open. It’s best you stand by and wait for their call so you can be on the scene in an instant, especially if they need you to do a police line-up or identify a body or unidentified case of old compact discs.
“My dog swallowed the squeaker in her toy and her farts sound fatal.”
If people can’t feel sorry for you, you can make them feel sorry for your adorable pet. You could be choking on a bone after smacking your head on the corner of your desk and nobody would care, but if poor Fluffy gets a plastic squeaker stuck in her butt, everybody picks up your workload. Now you just need to find a dog in case anyone calls your bluff.
“I’m passing kidney stones or something larger.”
For some people – myself – this is actually something that can happen. Nothing sounds more painful to people than kidney stones. Even pregnant woman think its brutal for a man. If there is any doubt in people’s minds, you could offer to show them. If they accept, you may be able to parlay this into a sexual harassment lawsuit.
“I really want to make that offsite work outing, but I get irritable bowel syndrome in wide open spaces with lots of people.”
After hearing this, everybody will be glad to let you stay home, especially if there’s carpooling involved. Nobody wants to deal with car-pooing during a carpooling. See what we did there?
“I took one tiny hit of medical marijuana last night thinking it was a cigarette, but it wasn’t a cigarette, medical, or even marijuana.”
And 12 hours later, you’re still freaking out and shaking compulsively in your bed. Obviously, telling your employer that you did drugs is a bad idea, but telling them you did it unknowingly or just using any of these other excuses might be a good idea, especially if you work at a weed shop. How many days do you need to call out of work anyway? You’re a bad employee, you hippie stoner. Just suck it up and go to work.