Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Time to start being really nice to people with pools (in-ground).
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) May 19, 2015
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) May 19, 2015
The Mini Cooper seems like a car that you could park, and then stand up and wear as a short dress.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 23, 2015
I thought of a good quinoa recipe you just throw the quinoa over your fence and go get a Choco Taco
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) May 13, 2015
I like sleeping because it’s like being dead but there’s TV
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 25, 2015
If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
— Steve Amiri (@SteveAmiri) December 30, 2014
6pm well looks like it’s time to change out of my pajama pants and change into a new pair of pajama pants
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) May 25, 2015
When I go for a run at the park, I tell everyone where I am in case I’m murdered and I never get a chance to tell them I went for a run.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) May 14, 2015
Liam Neeson: I have a very particular set of skills Me: Do they include needlepoint Liam Neeson: Yes they do Me: Neat Neeson: I have an Etsy
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) January 10, 2015
When life gives you lemons, mix them with cayenne and tell everyone you’re doing a cleanse.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) May 23, 2015
I’d love to get dinner with you, but first, let’s settle on a time and place that’ll ultimately be inconvenient for both of us
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 5, 2015
Try walking a mile in my shoes. And my clothes. Also hold this bloody knife. Now, anyone that asks you say you never saw me, got it?
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) May 13, 2015
ADVICE TO ANY YOUNG ASPIRING ARTISTS: please don’t be better than me please don’t just let me have this one thing please thanks
— Séamus Gallagher (@ShameusSeamus) May 15, 2015
You know you’re on Instagram too much if you live in NY and are bored with the view from Runyon Canyon
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) May 21, 2015
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER? D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
— The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) April 29, 2015
*guy bumps my shoulder* “You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 23, 2015
*first date* Her: I haven’t dated anyone since my husband died protecting me from an explosion Me: [long and audible sigh]
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) May 22, 2015
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) May 6, 2015
When bae finds out you use the word bae and then you’re alone for the rest of your life.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) May 26, 2015
They called it a cruise ship because “aquatic disease city” was too wordy
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) May 25, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.