Being a parent has its ups and downs, but the best way to deal with all of it is to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Otherwise you’ll go completely insane and end up pushing multiple shopping carts into pedestrians outside of a Walmart while eating a head of cabbage. Thankfully there are hilarious comedians providing plenty of jokes on the most daunting parental tasks a little more light and fun.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) October 13, 2013
In case you’re thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t let her watch me poop.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 31, 2012
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, “I’m NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I’ve been whispering. Now I’m free!”
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
“Can I ask you a million questions?” -kids
— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 30, 2015
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
get your kids vaccinated, weird this is now a position in a debate? I’m also against setting kids on fire or poisoning the town water supply
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) February 2, 2015
“I’m sorry I spilled a cocktail on your baby” is a real text I just had to send.
— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) November 28, 2014
“Son, what you walked in on your mother and I doing, it’s- Wrestling? “Haha what? No, it’s sex and it’s awesome. Your mother is a freak,”
— Mått (@shadygrenade) May 6, 2014
Some kid had a surprise birthday party today and my son said “IT’S SECRET LIKE BEYONCÉ’S ALBUM!” That’s my baby.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) July 29, 2014
If you don’t mumble “fuck off” to your children under your breath for the first two hours every morning, then tell me your secrets, wizard.
— Court (@Discourt) October 20, 2012
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 27, 2012
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2014
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 24, 2013
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
The singular sign of a parent who is doing their job is their unwillingness to let their children watch the Star Wars prequels.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) November 4, 2012
Hey moms! Here’s a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, “YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!”
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 8, 2011
Young children are like sponges. They are the filthiest thing in your house.
— Jay Skarlow (@RockabillyJay) October 7, 2014
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
— (maura) (@behindyourback) December 26, 2013
Is it bad that my 11 month old daughter and I have basically the same body
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 28, 2014
My wife is away, so I have to get both my kids ready for school by myself. For lunch, I packed them both an iTunes gift card
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 6, 2014