Ladies, Your ’90s Heartthrobs Are Old As Hell Now

Looks like no one has discovered the fountain of youth yet.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham

Those were the days when you would go to the magazine rack and see all the hunky studs that girls would obsess over before cutting out their photos and pasting them in their lockers. Bad news though, ladies, your heartthrobs from the ’90s are old as hell now. But we here at Mandatory still paste their pictures up in our work lockers. It’s all about preserving tradition, and nothing else! Here they are, from oldest to less old.

David Duchovny (55)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, David Duchovny (55)
He went from Agent Mulder on “X-Files” to the sexaholic writer, Hank Moody, on “Californication.” And now he’s playing a killer combination of the two on the new NBC show, “Aquarius.” Duchovny also just put out his debut record, started playing shows, released a kid’s book style novel with some adult language, and of course, he’s coming back as Mulder in January. He’s killing it now more than ever. Greying hair’s been good to you, David.

Tom Cruise (53)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Tom Cruise (53)
He was “top gun” in his day, still kind of is for his age, but Tom Cruise is far from Maverick after going through a failed marriage to Katie Holmes and coming out of the Scientology closet. People might think he’s a little crazy, but he’s just craziest enough to still be an actor who does his own stunts.

John Stamos (52)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, John Stamos (52)
Uncle Jesse is now a grandpa on the new fall show, “Grandfathered,” a painful Los Angeles reality to probably a lot of people that nobody wants to see. Look forward to him reprising his role as Jesse Katsopolis on the long-held-off continuation of “Full House,” where hopefully they get a PG-13 rating and we see Aunt Becky in the shower and Bob Saget talk dirty.

Rob Lowe (51)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Rob Lowe (51)
He may be in his 50s, but he’s still hanging onto that title of men who defy age. After wrapping “Parks & Recreation” last year, Lowe went on with his own fall show, “The Grinder,” not to be confused with the popular app, Grinder, opposite of Fred Savage. No, Fred Savage isn’t on Grinder. I mean, maybe he is, but that’s not something we know. Anyways, it’s been awhile since Lowe was on “The Outsiders” is our point.

Luke Perry (48)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Luke Perry (48)
In the prime of “Beverly Hills 90210,” around 1993, Luke Perry was every girl’s California dream. He went from a classic ’56 Porsche Speedster to doing westerns and avoiding being a part of a terrible TV reboot.

Skeet Ulrich (45)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Skeet Ulrich (45)
What can we say, some girls like the murdering type. He was the hit of the pop ’90s horror flick, “Scream,” as well as that other thing Neve Campbell did — “The Craft.” Since then, he’s been partial to the TV acting lifestyle, most recently of the “Robot Chicken” voiceover.

Jason Lee (45)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Jason Lee (45)
He was an aimless skateboarder who landed on “Mallrats” in the mid ’90s, but now he’s a driven, experienced man with several plans, including a book of photography, an endless catalog of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” voiceovers and a pretty cool new setup down in Texas after growing up in California all his life.

Kirk Cameron (44)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Kirk Cameron (44)
He might’ve been the lovable Michael Seaver on “Growing Pains” once, but now the only growing pains in his life are the rotten views on rotten tomatoes his terrible movies get. He’s also a cult leader (probably). Surely he still has a best friend he call Boner though.

The Backstreet Boys (35-43)
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We went with Backstreet, only because they’re older than N’Sync. We could never tell you which one was more painful to watch, or listen to for that matter, but this band’s struggling attempts at a “band” reunion make their age a little more fun to play with. Spanning from 35 — they relied on Nick Carter to remain young — to 43, which is the direction the others lean, the boys are getting a little old for choreographed pelvic thrusts.

David Charvet (43)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, David Charvet (43)
One of many shirtless, red shorted crushes for the lady fans of “Baywatch,” and it kind of makes you wonder where are they now. Don’t look though, it’s painful to find out about David Hasselhoff’s failed spin-off series, failed music career and his Wendy’s clip.

Jason London (42)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Jason London (42)
Randall “Pink” Floyd was his name, and football was his game, that is, when London starred in the summer loving hippy flick, “Dazed & Confused.” That movie in 1993 was his first big break, but he did go onto a lot of TV guest spots and lesser known films. Last we heard, he was getting arrested and crapping himself in 2013. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Jeremy London (42)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Jeremy London (42)
Jason’s brother, Jeremy, on the other hand hasn’t hit anything big since the “Party of Five” days, except for a little time on “7th Heaven” and the upcoming “MallBrats” reboot. He has kept busy though, hopefully not shitting himself.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (41)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (41)
He went from the lovable Zack Morris on the lovable show, “Saved by the Bell” to that other jackass on the cancelled attorney comedy, “Franklin & Bash.” There’s been some other TV and film work in there, but we think he’s hoping for a “Saved by the Bell: The Old Class” to come around. Definitely not a future failed spin-off there.

Mario Lopez (41)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Mario Lopez (41)
A.C. Slater was the musclebound jock who liked to flaunt his pecks, and nothing has really changed there. Now a host on “Extra,” Maria lost the mullet and high-tops, traded them in for a fancy wardrobe and some cue card readin’! After graduating from “Bayside,” it’s been mostly TV for Lopez, starring in “Pacific Blue,” “The Bold and the Beautiful” and some guest appearances on “Nip/Tuck.” Stick with “Extra,” Mario.

Barry Watson (41)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Barry Watson (41)
After leaving “7th Heaven” to handle some serious health issues, the former Matt Camden moved onto a short-lived “What About Brian” lead role before hitting up short arcs on shows like “Gossip Girl,” “Hart of Dixie” and last year’s “Masters of Sex.”

Joey Lawrence (39)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Joey Lawrence (39)
One word: Wow! Lawrence is about to go over the hill next year to 40, and he’s taking singing and acting — and…stripping? — with him as he continues as the lead, opposite of Melissa Joan Hart, on the aptly titled “Joey & Melissa.” After airhead roles on “Blossom” and the Hanson of TV shows, “Brotherly Love,” Lawrence, yes, got into stripping in 2012 at Las Vegas’ Chippendales. Some might call that “manifest destiny.”

Josh Hartnett (37)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Josh Hartnett (37)
He was every girl’s dream, that was, until he learned how to grow creepy mustaches. After typecast teen roles like “The Faculty” and “The Virgin Suicides,” Hartnett moved into compelling war films like “Pearl Harbor” — good segue between teen drama and war — and “Black Hawk Down,” both in 2001. The last mainstream we really saw of him was 2006’s “Lucky Number Slevin.” Since then, it’s been hush hush — save for “Penny Dreadful” — for the soon-to-be father.

Joshua Jackson (37)
Entertainment, Teen Hearttrobs Are Old Now, Joshua Jackson (37)
He may not be that old, but he’s far from the days of Charlie Conway in “The Mighty Ducks,” the best Disney trilogy of all time. Though when he isn’t keeping you in suspense in teen thriller dramas like “The Skulls” or making you weep as Pacy on “Dawson’s Creek,” he’s part of fall TV, doing some of his best acting on “The Affair,” opposite of Ruth Wilson, one of the hottest Emmy snubs on the planet.