As far as I know I don’t have any children running around, although anytime I see a little kid giving strangers the death stare and plotting their demise in crayon I assume they’re mine. But since I’ve decided that getting sleep and not worrying about another human’s life is more important at the moment, here are some things I assume to be true about fatherhood.
11 Absolute Truths About Fatherhood (From A 26-Year-Old Guy With No Kids)
You Have a Favorite Child
“I love all my kids the same” is just something moms on the Hallmark channel say. One of your kids will be loved by you more. Probably the one that has the better chance of giving you a Billy Ray Cyrus lifestyle.
You Begin to Age in Dog Years
Every birthday that passes is just getting you dangerously closer to your deathbed, or to the vet so the doctor can look at the impressive bags under your eyes and your apathy towards everything and decide it is time to put you down.
Your Affinity for Socks and Underwear Increases
After numerous birthdays of receiving socks and underwear, you’ve given up on ever getting anything good again; so much so that you now look forward to getting that healthy six-pack of socks from JCPenny. When you think of Michael Jordan you think of Michael Jordan, Hanes spokesperson, first.
You Begin to Find the Pros in Wearing Cargo Shorts
Something tells you that you wouldn’t be allowed in the amusement park without cargo shorts. Something also tells you that those pockets are big enough to store all of your broken hopes and dreams.
You’re Forced at Gunpoint to Get Those Family Car Stickers
While at the car wash, someone threatens you and forces you to get those family car stickers. Now everyone can finally know if you have a cat AND a kid.
Acting Like Jack Torrance from The Shining Becomes An Acceptable Way to Act
Making sarcastic comments, excessive drinking, and becoming fond of an ax are now your passions. The ax is also useful when attempting to put together your kid’s dresser from IKEA.
A Full Night’s Sleep Becomes a Myth That Has Been Passed Down for Generations
Various levels have to be completed on the hardest difficulty setting in order to get a full night’s sleep. And even then you choose death over waking up and facing the day.
Your Kid Threatening to Run Away is a Blessing in Disguise
You let them do it to teach them a lesson. Then you move while they’re out and don’t tell them anything.
‘Man Cave’ is Just a Kid-Friendly Term for ‘Place I Strongly Consider Abandoning My Family’
It’s nice to have a super decked out place where you can escape and have fun thinking of what life would be like if you left your awful family behind and followed your dreams of driving around and trying food from different diners like your hero Guy Fieri does.
Your Friends Abandon You
As much as you’d like to think that those “BFF” bracelets mean something, they don’t once you procreate. You can keep telling yourself you’re cool and you can still “kick it,” (which is a term I believe is probably still used), but no one wants to hang with you anymore. Now suck it up and get ready for another birthday party in the park you miserable jerk.
Oh, and that Constant Throbbing In Your Head Is Probably A Tumor