Photo: b-d-s (Getty)
The people of Reddit have no filter. That’s probably why they get caught diddling themselves so often that we were able to round up an entire collection of embarrassing stories. So lock the door, draw the shades and turn your music waaay up — it’s about to get weird up in this place.
13 Horrifying (But Hilarious) Stories About Getting Caught Masturbating
Sock It To Her
I was living in a cold room at the time, and was desperate for a fap. I decided to masturbate into a tube sock as I didn’t want to move because I was in the zone, and it was the closest thing to me. I threw it on the ground, forgot about it, and thought it was over with.
About 4 days later, my ex-gf came over because we were going skiing. She forgot high socks, and because my only other pair was on me, I found the pair on the ground forgetting about my problem. She immediately started freaking out that there was something gooey on her feet, screaming and flopping the cum all over the room. She ended up giving herself a mild facial.
The Skirt Defense
When I was around 12 years old, I would lay on our couch in our attic “rooting for the Yankees.” As a late bloomer, I could jerk for hours without any messy consequences. One day, I forgot to shut the door and my mom came up the stairs to see what I wanted for dinner. I quickly wrapped a nearby blanket around my waist (my pants and underwear were under a nearby pillow) and tried to play it cool. My mom asked what I was doing and I (as a clever 12-year-old) told my mom “I always wanted to see what a skirt felt like. Maybe one time I can try your heels on? I’m just a curious kid!” My mom never came upstairs to the attic without plenty of warning after that afternoon.
I once was masturbating in the morning because I thought the house was empty. I was in high school at the time and thought I could get a good wank off before heading for school. I’m sitting there with my dick in my hands when I realize the door knob across the hall turning. I immediately put on my clothes as fast as humanly possible, somehow miraculously avoiding catching my penis in my zipper, though I later realized that I had put on my shirt backwards. I’m trying to hold down my breath from the quickness of my reaction. I don’t think I was caught, but I still to this day fake wearing my shirt or other clothes inside out to showcase that I make the mistake in mundane scenarios and that the one incident isn’t an exception, blowing my cover.
When I was a perverted and horny little kid I would lay down and jerk off onto my stomach and just clean up later. I had gone about a week without masturbating and this caused some build up. When I came, I watched the first rope, as if in slow motion, leave my dick and hit me square in the face. It has caused me to deny giving a girl a facial. Traumatizing.
My old roommate caught me mid-finish and in my sudden fear and quick movement, some got in my eye. Stung like hell.
What makes it so embarrassing is that my eye was red for about three to four days, and every time he saw me he laughed at me.
I was in the Navy, out of boot camp and in my A-School. I left the barracks to head out and realized I forgot my wallet. Ran back up to my room and flung open the door to discover my roommate. He was in a uniform shirt in the middle of the room, on his knees, porn mag on the floor, furiously whacking his pud. Nothing but a dress uniform shirt and socks. I’d been gone no more than 30 seconds.
After he scrambles for cover and I get my wallet, I think for a moment, “His bunk is right fucking there. Why is he half naked and handling his ham in the dead center of the room?”
I was really drunk one night at a friend’s house. He was asleep, and his mom was gone to work (night shift). Well, I’m laying on the couch, and grab my laptop to look at some porn. Next thing I know, it’s morning. I had fallen asleep before doing anything. My laptop is on the coffee table, with the lid closed. I think nothing about it. Then, my friend’s mom starts informing me that I had left porn playing on my laptop when she walked in the front door from work. She said, “Boy, they were really going at it” (imagine a 60-year-old lady voice).
It was the most awkward moment.
Currently in hospital. Get checked every 30 minutes throughout the night without warning (addiction ward). Got caught wanking three times by the same guy in just over an hour. Stupid antidepressants make me last forever. Guy’s face each time was pretty hilarious.
We’ve Got Company
Back when I was 15 or so, I was having a nice little late night session in my room. This was pre-Internet. Back then, if you wanted to fap to video of sex and you didn’t own any pornographic VHS tapes, you had to wait until a fap-friendly scene came on Cinemax. So there I was on my bed, pants around my ankles, dork in hand, waiting for something arousing to happen in whatever softcore flick they were airing that night.
I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I remember is waking up in the exact same position I had been in the night before. Pants still around ankles, dork still in hand. Only now, the door was wide open. It was Saturday, and I could hear the rest of my family moving about the house. I think my grandparents were also visiting at the time. No idea which family member — or members — saw me like that. Jesus.
I saw my brother fall asleep once on the couch after we had been drinking and watching TV. After he started snoring, he whipped it out and jerked in his sleep. That was an awkward moment since I was staying at his house and my spot to sleep was on the living room floor. I wasn’t going anywhere; just had to focus on the TV.
My roommate tends to leave our door unlocked so his friends can walk in without knocking. I try to lock it whenever I leave or masturbate, but I don’t always remember. Earlier this year, I was beating off with my laptop on my bed, like I do. I did my thing, then before cleaning up I thought I’d finish a YouTube video I’d clicked on from Reddit. Big mistake. My roommate’s friend opened the door to see me, pants down with a big red boner, torso covered in semen, watching a video of a police van running over dozens of protesters in Egypt.
Not my story, but a few years ago my friend was beating it at the family PC and thought he was home alone. Just as he’s about to finish, he hears footsteps coming down the stairs and just as his sister turns the corner and comes into the room, my friend stands up and jizzes all over the screen. I don’t think it was ever spoken about again.
I set my photos to a slideshow and right when I was almost done, it switched to family photos. R.I.P. boner.