If You Do These Things On A Subway You’re An Asshole

Let's just not do these things, folks.

Bryan Brunatiby Bryan Brunati
Photo: NBC

Riding on the subway isn’t a fun experience, but if we’re all normal humans and not our terrible usual selves, chances are it can be a smooth ride. Well, since being normal humans with common sense isn’t a possibility, here are some things that make you a total a-hole if you do them on a subway.

Sneeze And Don’t Cover Your Mouth

If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole
As much as you’d like to believe that everyone around you is eager to embrace your wave of germs and grossness, I want to let you know one thing: we aren’t. Feel free to cover your mouth when you sneeze, or better yet, take advantage of your legs and walk to work so you can save us from your airborne attack, you jerk.

Pick Your Nose

If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole
Aside from the fact that a grown-up shouldn’t have their finger up their nose in public, actually doing it and then grabbing onto the bar is just vile. Sure, there are thousands of diseases on that bar already, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know tissues or shame exist. So remember what you were taught as a toddler, and don’t shove your finger up your face holes.

Stand In The Doorway

If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole
One quick way to make everyone on the subway hate you instantly is by standing in the doorway, preventing the doors from closing, and thus making everyone very late and very pissed. And don’t try to force it open so you and your suitcase on wheels can get inside. This is not the time to show your lack of strength, this is the time to wait for the next subway and annoy the people on that car instead.

Don’t Give Up Your Seat

hat

Photo: Reddit

I know, no one wants to give up their seat to an elderly woman who is on the way out of this earth, but hey, it makes you look like a complete tool if you’re relaxing while grandma or a pregnant gal is on her feet. We’re on our ass for most of the day, standing up for a few minutes won’t kill you.

Don’t Use Headphones

If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole
Maybe you think you’re doing everyone a favor by letting them listen to Zedd’s latest single, but the reality is that no one likes Zedd, and more importantly, no one enjoys listening to your music. So do the right thing and use headphones, so you can relax and listen to all the shitty EDM you want.

Keep Your Backpack On When It’s Crowded

Photo: Reddit

Photo: Reddit

Listen, the thoughtful thing would have been to never have boarded the subway so no one would have to deal with your ways. This isn’t a hiking trail. And you aren’t writing a memoir on how many miles you walked alone through the woods. Take that backpack off and quit being an asshole.

Sit Spread-Eagle On A Seat

Photo: Reddit

Photo: Reddit

On a subway, open seats are rare, so manspreading like someone who is eagerly awaiting his porn audition is just annoying. Understand that no one wants to see what you’re presenting, and close the curtain on that show. For everyone’s sake.

Eat A Three Course Meal

Photo: Reddit

Photo: Reddit

OK, maybe not a three course meal, but eating any meal, especially one that has an awful odor, is just plain messed up. The only way you can get away with this is if it trumps the smell of piss on the subway.

Become A Statue When People Are Trying To Get By

Photo: Reddit

Photo: Reddit

We understand that subways can get crowded, but if someone needs to exit the subway at their stop, the least you can do is move aside and create some room so they can do just that. But parking yourself in everyone’s way while people are trying to get by is just obnoxious. Plus, it makes you an asshole. Although, kudos to that dude above and his absurd amount of confidence.

Try To Enter The Subway While People Are Still Leaving

If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole
Here’s an idea: Things would move faster if there wasn’t a wall of people blocking people trying to exit the subway. That’s just a thought on my part that may make life a hell of a lot easier. But until then, by all means try to push your way through.

But for all those who don’t do any of the above, we commend you:

If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole

And now read this: 10 Reasons Your Kid Is An Asshole