Going to the strip club is a rite of passage for all men of legal drinking age. A man’s first trip is a spectacular gateway to perversion; a front row seat to shameless nudity and a revealing education on the effects that female nudity has on a man’s wallet. As men continue visiting these sultry locations, man finds the same things always tend to happen.
So without further adieu, below are 12 things—both good and bad—that happen almost every time you go to the strip club.
1. You get harassed by strippers who want everything you own.
This is by far the worst part about going to a strip club. It’s like entering an empty Foot Locker with employees who are hungry for commission. As soon as you enter, you’re immediately harassed because you have money on your person. Except at a strip club, you’re harassed by nearly nude women, which doesn’t seem as bad as being solicited by salespeople dressed as referees.
2. You can’t say “no” to a stripper who offers a lap dance, so you manufacture some poor excuse.
Considering most people assume strippers have low self-esteem, you, a good person, don’t want to tell the dancer you aren’t interested in getting a lap dance because you might hurt her feelings. Instead, you come up with some sad excuse that makes little sense, asking her to come back later, knowing full well you’ll still say no when the time comes. (She knows this, as well.)
3. You take pictures because there are naked women everywhere (and are shunned for it).
Since nobody can go out without documenting it on social media these days, some people choose to document their travels to the strip club through imagery and take discrete photos of the stage on their phone. At the strip club, however, you discover this is a big no-no, and that doing this could get you removed from the building. Since we’ve all done it, though, we’re usually just scolded by security, and told not to do it again. As soon as they turn their backs, however, we’re back at it, because we’re badasses. Bad to the core.
4. You wear a belt and regret it immediately.
Wearing a belt to the strip club is a big mistake. Strippers love belts. If you ever happen to be escorted on stage by a stripper, you can guarantee she’s going to tear that baby off and spank the absolute crap out of you, turning your ass into ground beef.
5. You think to yourself that this is stupid and a waste of money.
But don’t worry; this thought will disappear very quickly.
6. You get a piss-poor lap dance.
Every guy has made the mistake of hitting up the hottest stripper for a lap dance, which is an understandable—but amateur—move. The problem is that the hottest stripper is usually the dancer who is least willing to “break the rules,” so to speak, because she doesn’t have to work as hard for her money since she’s hot. She’ll ensure there’s no touching (that there’s no contact of any kind, for that matter) and that she both has your cash and is onto the next chump by the time the next song comes on.
7. You witness a talentless stripper on stage.
No matter when and where you go, there’s always that one stripper who’s just horrible at her job. She doesn’t look good naked; she doesn’t know how to dance; she’s a little too old to be there; and she treats the pole like it’s a stand-up mic on amateur night. You, seeking entertainment with your buddies fueled by beer, will make comments about her which you would otherwise feel bad for if you weren’t so drunk.
8. You bet a buddy to go to the backroom with said talentless stripper.
When there’s a bad stripper like the one mentioned above, one of your buddies will go back with her as a dare or a bet. Because for some reason, a bad lap dance is a better way to spend money than buying him a worthwhile one.
9. You go to the ATM more than you’ll ever admit to.
Strippers are professional charmers. As such, they’ll talk and gyrate you out of house and home. You know a stripper has done a good job when she escorts a man to the ATM. This means, not only has she emptied him of everything in his wallet, but she’s gone as far as to empty his bank account as well.
10. Despite knowing this is the case, you’ll comment on how high the price of alcohol is.
Alcohol prices at strip clubs are just outrageous. You can’t order anything without paying at least 25 percent more than you would anywhere else.
11. You get kicked out.
Every man who has ever been to a strip club has also been kicked out of a strip club. Case closed.
12. You leave broke. And very drunk.
One thing that is certain about your trip to the strip club is that all of us leave with significantly less cash than we came in with. Whether this was spent on booze, lap dances or a combination of the two doesn’t matter, because now you need to look at remortgaging your house.