While it may sound like an ideal place to get your tubesteak trapped for five or ten minutes — 30 tops — getting trapped in a vagina is a real, actual problem with a legitimate Latin word used to describe it: penis captivus. Yikes! Take, for example, what happened to an Italian couple who started hydro-banging in the Mediterranean Sea, which induced a vaginal spasm that produced enough suction to make them unplunge from the sea and finish in the ER with a team of doctors disconnecting their bits ‘n’ pieces. Now that’s amore!
Here’s two words I never want associated with my manhood: metal grinder. Alas, a Southampton man suffered such a fate when he got his Pied Piper all up in a metal pipe. Good thing the fire department had a metal grinder, too, since the local hospital couldn’t get the job done, as restricted blood flow gave our intrepid pipe f–ker a hard-on that wouldn’t budge. So seven firemen gave him the grinder treatment in order to save the organ. Which, kind of sounds like the worst porno ever made, doesn’t it?
Did you hear the one about the midget and the vacuum cleaner? Well, then allow me to regale you with the tale of the time wee performer Daniel Blackner accidentally glued a vacuum cleaner hose to his own obviously-not-proportional hose. Apparently, Blackner’s Edenborough Fringe Festival act involved putting his penis into a Henry vacuum cleaner, and then pulling it around the stage. When part of the vacuum broke, Blackner tried to superglue it back together, just before show time. When the lights came on, he put his dong in the hole and realized the glue was still wet, and a very crowded emergency room beckoned. While this was indeed unfortunate, it does at least prove the theory that adding a little person to any story makes it inherently funnier.
You know what’s worse than getting your tongue caught on a frozen metal pole, a la “A Christmas Story?” Accidentally adhering your own pole to a metal bus shelter. That’s the kind of thing that can only happen in Stravropol, Russia, where a man (presumably named something-ov) got his пенис stuck to a metal bus stop while trying to take a discreet pee in 30-below weather. It takes a brave man to attempt such a bold pee, and a meek man to wait it out as the crowds gather before the paramedics can extricate you with some warm water. And then the motherland bans you from public transit.
Man, I just jumped on a huge grenade for you people. I definitely should not have clicked on that image. But The Daily Dot didn’t mention what kind of tape roll this 4chan oversharer got his wang-dang-doodle stuck in, which he then decided to live blog about. Turns out it was electric tape — he couldn’t even man up to duct tape. Still, horrifying, especially after the guy decided to draw a happy face on his unhappy porksword for no apparent reason. But while that uncensored and extremely NSFW image was indeed tough to look at, it wasn’t quite as bad as what I found after Google image searching “frozen dick” for the previous entry.
We all know that guy who, if drunk enough, will “f–k anything.” Well, until he f–cks a toaster, you can’t say that about him anymore. Details are few and far between on this one, but the incident appears on a list put out by the London Fire Brigade imploring people to start using common sense and stop f–king household appliances.
Another instance of a penis going to its biblical destination only to end up bound so by a higher vaginal power, this story doesn’t have quite the happy ending you were probably looking for. The man in question kicked it in the middle of banging a whore. Which, I reckon, isn’t the worst way to go, though it certainly couldn’t have been fun for the prostitute who had to then deal with some dead guy’s Mr. Knish stuck up her nether lips. Fortunately, the incident somehow went viral, so hopefully the poor lady of the night parlayed such fame into a higher rate, or maybe even a movie deal.
I totally understand the desire to add length, but there has to be a point where you stop trying to control nature and just accept the small cock God gave you. And when, in an effort to stretch yourself out, you start dangling heavy welding nuts from the end of your little love muscle, you have reached that point. Alas, it took this Malaysian man a terribly timed erection to figure that out.
Weird Asian News is becoming my key source for stuck penis stories. This one comes to us from Hong Kong, where a park goer was out celebrating the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies, saw some attractive holes in a local bench, and attempted to bang one of them only to find out that once he became really excited about such a perfect hole, it quickly became imperfect. First responders drew blood on the scene, but his one-eyed dragon still wouldn’t budge, so they had to cut the bench in order to transport him to the hospital. Four hours later, he was good to go, presumably free to seek out bigger holes elsewhere (perhaps the Olympic Rings).
It’s surprising, but this our first entry from Florida. Still, this type of honest mistake could happen just about anywhere there’s a swimming pool, as those suction holes are just too damn alluring. But let this be a warning to you would be pool-f–kers out there: There is such a thing as too much suction.
(h/t to the National Coalition For Men (NCFM) for their useful glossary of “174 Ways to Call a Penis Something Other Than a Penis”.)