OLD PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES
By Bryan Brunati, young person
After looking deep down in my youthful heart, I’ve come to the realization that old people are just assholes. As much as you old folks like complaining and trying to convince others that your generation was better, the fact of the matter is you have to accept the way things are now. Just like we have to accept your lack of speed on the road. And just like we have to accept that you’re a big fan of counting change at the register. And just like we have to accept that you get upset at any remake or cover or reboot of anything you held so near and dear to your heart. I’m sorry Pitbull has torn apart that REO Speedwagon song and is now using it for his new song about hot girls and butts and hooking up. But you just have to accept that he’s Mr. Worldwide and he doesn’t care that you followed REO Speedwagon on tour in ’85.
Listen, I’m willing to give up my seat on the subway for you, too, just as long as you’re willing to give up your vote in any political election. And just as long as you’re willing to stop saying Bill O’Reilly has a point. About anything. I feel that is fair. And you have to give up access to the internet, but that’s mainly because you barely know how to use it. And if you do, you and your old asshole ways use it to either drown your Facebook timelines in super conservative posts or to incorrectly use Google. Who incorrectly uses Google? Assholes, that’s who.
So keep your face in your John Grisham novel and out of my way, you decrepit nightmare.
YOUNG PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES
By Paul Ulane, old person
Young people suck. Have you talked to a young person lately? Of course not. You probably had to Snapchat them. Just to tell them to get off your lawn.
But back to my point: young people are the absolute worst. They combine a complete lack of perspective with a dismissive arrogance that leads to them wandering the earth in a hashtagged state of bliss. Everything a young person likes right now has been done before. And done much better. And they have no idea. I was recently talking to a coworker about Jokers in Batman movies. I asked him what he thought of Jack Nicholson’s iconic role in the Tim Burton “Batman.” He didn’t know it existed. This is the same dipshit who will fork over $20 every June to see a new Avengers movie in IMAX that’s nothing more than a 150-minute trailer for the next movie in the franchise.
And then there’s the music. Oh Lord, the music. Young rappers don’t even rap anymore — they either sing slow jamz or mumble through autotune. The few intelligible words you can make out don’t even rhyme. And today’s rock bands either dress like they’re in a Gap ad or sell out to get their music into a Gap ad. And what happened to all of the guitars? Everything’s keyboard this and MacBook Pro that topped off with a guest verse featuring someone who uses a dollar sign for the “s” in their name.
Kids don’t even know how to get fucked up anymore. They can’t roll a joint or score beer from a stranger in a 7-Eleven parking lot. They’re too busy smoking hash oil out of pens and stealing ADHD meds. Yet all of this prescription drug abuse has somehow destroyed their attention spans even worse. I doubt a single person under 25 has even made it this far through the article. But if you have, let me be clear: you suck.
All young people are assholes. No one cares about your status updates or your Snaps or the fact that you’re doing it for the ‘Gram. No one cares about you at all, actually. And one more thing: please, stop with the insufferable lip sync shows.