Never have I felt like a bigger disgrace than after every bachelor party weekend I’ve ever attended. But since it’s bro-code not to dish on the details, those sordid tales will go to the grave with me, and I’ll feel guilty about it until then. Fortunately for the good of this list, there are plenty of mostly anonymous tattlers out there, and they have some seriously f–ked up friends.
The 9 Craziest Things Ever Witnessed At A Bachelor Party
This clip went viral a while back, but that doesn’t mean we have any better explanation of what in the hell is happening at this Swedish stag party. All we really know is that one of the members of the party, Tommy, is dressed up like a giant panda bear and appears to be bleeding from the head after a vigorous round of dizzy bats. Then, like a football, he is handed a live chicken that he tucks away as he attempts to run through a campfire, which ignites the panda suit and causes him to hurl the chicken and jump in a lake. That’s all we know. But that’s plenty to make this list.
“It was a nice party. There was only one dwarf.”
Those are the words of disgraced and jailed Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski trying to explain to the S.E.C. about his innocence in paying for all or part of the $100K-plus bachelor party for his son-in-law, Fidelity Investments trader Thomas Bruderman. Court documents show that $100 thousand buys you a row of suites at a schwanky South Beach hotel, a couple of hookers, a private jet and a yacht for the weekend, but alas, it’s only enough for just one midget. Cheapskates.
Jimmy That Twisted F–ker Stewart
I knew Jimmy could act circles around giant white bunnies, but I had no idea the man knew how to party. And I mean really party. Like the kind that involves not just one little person, like those amateurs above, but a slew of semi-famous ones. Jimmy’s bachelor party involved a number of classic Hollywood dwarfs popping out of silver serving dishes — including one actual “Wizard of Oz” munchkin, Jerry Maren, who was paid to dress up like a baby and pee on the honorable Mr. Stewart. Man, before this whole internet TMZ bullshit, classic movie stars had all the fun.
Supposedly Australians call their bachelor parties buck parties, and each buck party is highlighted by a “sadistic prank.” But Smith contributor Liam K.’s prank has got to be up there with the best of them. First of all, he and his rugby buddies took the young buck “pub golfing” to the tune of 18 bars with at least three drinks per bar, par, and then some par fours and fives thrown in, too. Yeah, these boys were thirsty. Unfortunately, the buck couldn’t quite keep up, and when he passed out cold, his mates took him to the hospital (where one of the ruggers worked) and they had a cast put on his leg from ankle to hip. Of course they didn’t tell him that his leg wasn’t actually broken until after not just the wedding, but the honeymoon in Fiji, as well. Wow, and I thought my friends were assholes.
Grampa Fighting Golfers
I vaguely remember going golfing at my bachelor party, and feeling blessed that we didn’t kill anyone. So I can understand how 61-year-old James Alonzo Hines must have felt on the Florida golf course where he was playing behind five assholes on a bachelor party. Well, apparently Hines had just about enough of those uppity youngsters, so he started hitting golf balls at them. When the boys started hitting them back, Alonzo used his golf cart as a battering ram, ranting and raving about respecting one’s elders, and bashed one of the bros so hard over the head he broke his club. Then the fight found its way into the sand trap, and that’s when things really got messy.
These Wild and Crazy Guys
The details are few and far between here, but according to a seemingly reliable meme on Whisper, this group of heavy hitters actually played “Dungeons & Dragons” during their buddy’s bachelor party. Don’t worry, before you go jumping to conclusions and thinking this isn’t nearly crazy enough, let it be known that they at least waited to start rolling the fantasy dice until after the stripper was done. And, then she joined them. Now that’s my kind of cosplay.
Carnies Gone Wild
Ain’t no party like a carny party, because a carny party has lots of dudes with small hands that smell like cabbage and really short tempers. At least that’s my assumption after reading UrbanGimli’s Reddit account of one of his friend’s bachelor parties that was attended by not just carnies, but also “vending folk at ball games” and “burger flippers.” Quite the high society affair, obviously. So it’s not surprising that these guys wound up chasing a stripper out of the party and down the street for accidentally slicing the groom from ear to chin with an out of control stiletto.
The Dangers of the Dildo Mask
If you’re on the wrong end of a dildo mask and you end up with a concussion, you’re doing a bachelor party just right. That’s reputedly what happened to Redditor indecisive311’s buddy when a stripper rode his face, masked with “dildos where your mouth would be.” Apparently, she rode so hard she knocked his cock-shaped head on the ground, over and over and over again, so much so that when she got off… err, when she stood up, he just lay there unconscious and had to get taken to the hospital. The lesson here is simple, and pretty much one to live by: Don’t wear dildo masks, at least not on hard floors.
Other Level Revelers
Let’s all put our hands together for this resourceful group of revelers who actually rented a billboard in Vegas and plastered the groom’s name and face up there along with an ad for genital warts remover. They even created a real website to support the ad. And just in case you think your bachelor party had that beat, get a load of the testimonial quote they used: “My wife doesn’t have any more excuses,” Steve DiMatteo, Founder and Manic User. Bravo gents, bravo.