Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Favorite Band: U2
Bono sums up the Aquarius personality perfectly. He’s a globalist hippie who likes to go to AIDS-ravaged countries and pretend to care. He will then attempt to instill a democracy where there was none and destabilize an entire region for the sake of killing an alpha dictator. Finally, like a prototypical Aquarius, he will read the Voices section of the Huffington Post and say, “I can’t believe the news today. I just can’t close my eyes and make it go away.” That’s because you’re embarrassed by what you did.
I know this band pick will piss off Aquarii. However, it fits. In addition to U2, the Aquarius loves hipster indie music. If the band doesn’t make any money, the band is therefore good. Unless that band is U2, because Bono is the messiah we need.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Favorite Band: Hawthorne Heights
The Pisces is notoriously emo. They’re drawn to the sounds of tears falling on guitars. Screams, cries, howling-at-dad music. They’re the most sensitive of the Zodiacs. It makes them great to have as a friend when your girlfriend ripped your heart out of your anus. However, they like Hawthorne Heights, so avoid them if you can.
Side note: Remember Hawthorne Heights? They’re that emo band that came out with the song “Ohio is for Lovers.” It includes the lyric “Cut my wrists and black my eyes.” Scientifically speaking, they’ve done studies that allude to the fact that Pisces cry a lot. It’s science. Other bands they like may include Simple Plan, A Thorn for Every Heart and The Smiths.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Favorite Band: Kanye West
When you think of Kanye, you probably think of childishness, arrogance and stubbornness. These are key traits of the Aries. However, those are just the negative traits (we’ll focus on those today to be sure), and like Kanye — bless the little feller — they live within themselves and utilize mental gymnastics to conjure foolish confidence. Like Kanye.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Favorite Band: Coldplay
Tauruses like to melt into aesthetic surroundings and sip wine next to fake fires, reflecting on how great they are. In a robe. Definitely in a robe. Picture a person with zero artistic instinct picking a band that seems artistic but isn’t — Coldplay.
Tauruses are the biggest divas in astrology. They’re as diva as Coldplay singer Chris Martin’s ex-wife, whose name I forgot. They named her daughter Apple, though, and that’s a very Taurus thing to do. Materialistic, superficial, self-indulgent. Dave Matthews Band is a close second.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Favorite Band: Nicki Minaj
The Gemini is the schizo of the bunch. They have multiple personalities, hence the “twin.” Nicki Minaj is an ideal representation of the Gemini because she has a string of idiotic alter egos, such as Roman, Martha, Female Weezy, Nicki Lewinsky, Rosa and The Harajuku Barbie. All terrible.
The Gemini is also extremely flighty. It’s apparent that Nicki Minaj is constantly trying out new identities on every album. One moment she’s singing an inspirational tune about how we’re all starships meant to fly, and the next, she’s talking about truffle butter and anaconda penises. Where’s the consistency?
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Favorite Band: Creed
One of the most prominent attributes of Cancers is attention-seeking behavior. Scott Stapp of Creed exemplifies histrionic personality disorder like no other. He wanted to be Jesus. It didn’t really work out that well. When Creed was on its way out in 2003, Stapp even wanted to commit suicide so that he would gain Kurt Cobain-like martyr status. Fragile and temperamental, the Cancer finds solace within their crab shell when the world doesn’t accept them “with arms wide open.”
Leo (July 23 – August 21)
Favorite Band: Jay Z
Power-hungry and vain, the Leo wants to rule the kingdom. While Barack Obama said Jay Z’s wife is the most powerful person on Earth, Shawn Carter holds equal ground. He has $520 million in the bank with business ventures including the New Jersey Nets, Roc-A-Fella Records and holding a chair at Illuminati, Inc. The Leo aspires to be Jay Z, and often has 99 problems.
Virgo (August 22 – September 23)
Favorite Band: The Jonas Brothers
It takes a cold, analytical mind to be OK being a slave of Disney. It also takes a cold, analytical mind to rationalize holding your fake bulge for Flaunt Magazine while promoting purity. That’s the Virgo — cold, analytical virgins. Although the Jonas Bros. are no longer shilling for abstinence, they held the Christian tack for a while. Virgos are also keen on keeping everything inside, especially their semen.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Favorite Band: Black Eyed Peas
The Libra is a people-pleaser, and sometimes they try so hard to be balanced that they become undefined. The Black Eyed Peas came to prominence as a multi-ethnic quartet asking the world, “Where is the Love?” They soon released a ballad titled “Let’s Get Retarded,” which possibly offended the mentally disabled. Thus, the downfall of the Libra. In their quest to please everyone, they please no one.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Favorite Band: GG Allin
The Scorpio is a firebug notorious for its passion and intensity. GG Allin personifies the Scorpio to a tee. He wasn’t just a guy who threw poop on stage and cut himself; he was a cult figure whose birth name was actually Jesus Christ. He died a little differently than Christ did, however, in his own excrement via heroin overdose.
Fans of GG Allin are degenerate shitlords and more often than not, Scorpios. While GG was alive, they probably didn’t tell their coworkers they attended a concert during the weekend where a goat was sacrificed and feces was thrown into the audience, keeping it on the inside. The Scorpio keeps things on the inside, too. Dangerous, deviant, hidden.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
Favorite Band: Miley Cyrus
A Sagittarius likes to come in like a wrecking ball to parties, singing “Party in the USA” at the top of their lungs. They are ADHD-prone. Miley is a Sag archetype, being a Sag herself. Their reputation precedes them as tactless (twerking with tongue out), adventurous (parties in the USA) and utterly decked out in clown clothes.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 20)
Favorite Band: Kenny G
The Cap is too focused on his career to give much thought to music. So they do their bills in solitude with light saxophone in the background. Inhibited, mature, responsible, it isn’t uncommon to see a Capricorn adulting at the age of six. Kenny G and various classical music aligns with the Capricorn lifestyle.