The Larry David Guide To Being A Decent, Sensible Human Being

Now go ahead and use this sound advice.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham

When it comes to being a sensible guy, Larry David is the gold standard. After co-creating some of the best “Seinfeld” quotes, he went on to start up his own classic, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Now he’s just a shining role model to the highly judgmental and anti-idiocy mobs. The Larry David Guide is designed to enhance one’s viewpoints of society through condescending and snide comments about the behaviors of everyday people. It’s about how to be the prick everyone knows and loves. Let’s begin.

Put in the effort (at least mentally).
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In the game of life, it seems it’s never enough to think of nice things you can do for people, but in order to remain at least somewhat likable, you should probably go through the trouble of explaining how nice you could potentially be. It’s the thought that counts, right? No point in being nice if you don’t mean it. That would be disingenuous. But if you’re not going to do nice things, at least put in the effort mentally. That should be enough for everyone. Apparently, some people think you actually have to follow through. Can you believe those idiots?

Make social situations as comfortable as possible (for yourself).
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It’s bad enough being in public with all the madness out there. Between people’s narcissistic ramblings about their new job, new yoga studio, new Pok√©mon Go, new diet, you could just about fake vomit to get yourself out of conversations. And you’re supposed to touch the foul hands of these psychopaths? Maybe instead just put yourself at ease by finding another reason for avoiding human contact, then get the hell out after the cheese portions are gone.

Mind your own business.
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We’re all curious about things we shouldn’t be curious about. The key is to mind your own business and move along with the herd until the lights go out. If you absolutely must indulge, please, for the love of God, be quick about it. Glancing, grazing, dabbling are all acceptable forms of peripheral checking, but the gawking, gazing and staring has to stop.

Be your own boss.
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The ultimate key to happiness is to be your own boss, but if you can’t do that, at least try to live at your own pace. Should there be an option to do what you do from home or work freelance, it’s highly suggested. Being in control of your schedule means controlling the nerves, bowel movements and overall happiness of your body to do what it needs to do when it pleases. Wearing a bathrobe at noon, well, that’s just fashionable and comfortable at the same time. It’s the uniform of happiness.

And wear your own uniform.
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And speaking of uniform, wear what makes you feel powerful. Let there be no judgments on the way you live your life, and if there are, learn to get comfortable having them around. Let your freak flag, or cape, fly and be damn proud of who you are, what you do and what you do with the money you get from it. If that includes buying women’s underwear, so be it.

Or whatever makes you happy.
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Because if buying, wearing or smelling women’s undergarments makes you happy, then you earned that right. Why should we be restricted by the norms of society dictating how we live and feel? If you want to pee with the seat down, make yourself right at home! Maybe do all these things in the privacy of your home, as it’s weird enough out there already, and if you absolutely must do it, then at least do it with a smile.

Weigh your decisions until the last possible moment.
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Indecision is the death of action and the mark of the creatively and successfully paralyzed. Don’t let yourself fall into the pits of indecision. Now, having said that, you can weigh your options until the last feasible moment possible, as long as it doesn’t force a bad decision. People want answers, and they want them now. Well, they can effing wait patiently because you don’t need to be rushed!

If things don’t go your way, don’t be shy about how you feel.
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Sometimes some of those decisions are immediately regrettable, and that’s all right. The point is not to let it ruin you. It’s unhealthy to hold in your disdain for the outcomes of life, and that kind of bitter resentment can manifest itself in some pretty nasty, gnarly ways. Let’s just say everything we want to say and feel relaxed afterwards. It would definitely make people do a lot less crazy, stupid shit, no?

But if they do go your way, celebrate the hell out of it.
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And sometimes, things work themselves out magically in the end. Is that karma? Probably not. Karma is the horrific thing waiting for you later on. But for now, bask in the glow of your triumph. Dance like nobody’s watching, but there’s a good chance a lot of people are watching. Dance anyway. Oh dear, you’re a terrible dancer!

Find the positive in a negative.
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They say silver linings are the key to happiness in a sad world. Not sure who said it, but it’s probably true. So just because you’re told some things are bad doesn’t necessarily make them bad unless they’re bad to you. Get it? You think a friend canceling on you is bad because society tells you it’s bad, right? Well, maybe someone standing you up is nature’s way of letting you get back to some exciting television and keeping you away from another boring human encounter. Ever think of that? Quit being offended and thank them for sparing you the misery.

A big ass is a thing of beauty.
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Society has also taught us that skinny is good, but once you’ve had enough rolls in the hay, you may start to feel differently. Think about it. Is it not a little more fun when there’s more to play with? Sure it’s nice being able to pick someone up and toss them around. But from the earliest days of man, every little boy knows a big playground is a happy playground, not just a set of skinny monkey bars you’re terrible at handling. Go for the big playground and have some fun. We’re making a lot of sense right now, aren’t we?

Find a good woman who will fight your battles for you.
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Should you find that good woman, hold on to her tightly. She’ll love you more than you’ll ever know, but you’ll at least get a clue when another lioness, especially an ex-lioness, comes sniffing around. Every papa bear needs a mama bear, because when you’re back from hunting for food, she’s at home keeping you safe. Then you can say pretty much anything you want to anybody and sleep comfortably, knowing mama bear has your back. And if she has a big butt, she can probably take on pretty much anyone, too.

You can be an asshole, but don’t look like one.
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If you’re an asshole, just own it. Maybe soften your edges a little bit so it’s not so piercing. But the only thing worse than being deemed an asshole is looking like one. It’s been said women always love the asshole, but they never love the guy wearing sunglasses at night. If you’re a prick, well hey, that’s you. Doesn’t mean you have to look like one. That’s much worse.

The customer is usually an asshole.
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Just because you’re on that side of the counter doesn’t make you right. That’s just business’ nice way of saying, “You’re an asshole, but we appreciate your business, so here, asshole, you can have this one.” These self-entitled people, who watch other people bag their groceries while playing some game on their phone that’ll likely end in them getting hit by a car, can take a hike. Even assholes can bag their own groceries. Who decided you were better? You paid for the groceries, sure, but you never paid anyone to bag them for you. Either tip them or get your shit together so the line can move along a little faster. Or just go get hit by that car already.

Don’t impose your nice day on mine.
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Are you ever just at the brink of snapping, beating the hell out of trash can or yelling back at a screaming baby? We have those days, and the worst thing ever is when some bouncy, skippy little shit rubs their good fortune in your face. Yes, we see how happy your life is. Do you mind? I’m trying to wallow in some frustration, guilt, regret and overall disdain for my current situation. Smile? Mind your own business. See, this is already coming full circle!

Speaking of assholes, remember to vote.
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We’re about to witness the ultimate asshole cage match between the wall-building sociopaths of the inexperienced and the feminine war mongrels of nepotism, and no matter how it goes, it just seems like everyone loses. But in the interest of keeping the biggest asshole out of the picture, we must vote for the lesser of assholes. Ironically, this is how we remain the best and happiest assholes we can possibly be.

Dating is a crapshoot, especially nowadays. Don’t fall for it.
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Have you been out there lately? The amount of mental and physical energy it takes to date these days far supersedes the energy required to gain a few doctorates, start several successful businesses, eventually run for president and then outlaw dating altogether. If there’s one thing dating is good for now, it’s making us appreciate the alone time we do get.

Enjoy your alone time.
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When you get that alone time, cherish it. Many men have lost that privilege and so yearn for it when they drive their trucks off tall bridges. Embrace it, for it is both a gift and an honor. And should someone bear witness to what you do with your alone time, that’s their problem. They shouldn’t have been peeking!

Be universally loved.
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All this is to say, if you’re going to be an asshole, at least be a good one to people who deserve it. Be the asshole everyone can grow to love. It’s something of a rare juxtaposition, but if you can harness it, it’s almost better than not being an asshole. But for goodness’ sake, be as big an asshole as you need to be to everyone else. That’s just funny, especially if you’re lucky enough to witness those moments.

Do all these things and you should be good. Prettyyy…prettyyy….pretty good.
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That’s it. We said it. Can’t take it back. Well, we physically can, but we’re just not going to. The universe actually allows us to delete all of these words as though they never happened. Not sure who came up with that idea anyway, since nobody talks anymore. It’s all tweets and texts and likes. You can be an asshole all you want and never have to worry about it. That’s the beauty of the internet.