Photo: Pitiphothivichit (Getty)
Everybody injures their appendages. I mean, arm and leg injuries are par for the course. They happen all the time. One thing that separates men from women is the fact that our genitals are external, making the penis an appendage in itself. As such, we tend to injure those too. Some, worse than others. And we know that’s true because we know about the ten athletes who played through gruesome injuries or the ten on-set injuries of movie stars.
I mean, I myself have severely injured my penis. As a kid, while playing jovially in my spacious backyard in the suburbs, I decided to fly down the bright yellow slide in my treehouse under the beaming sun in the middle of the summer. In a bathing suit with no underwear. There was lots of blood thanks to my penis being caught like a grappling hook.
But my own penis injury pales in comparison to the ones I’m about to share. Are you ready for what’s about to go down? I’m not sure you are, but here it is anyway.
1. Clearly, Dennis Rodman doesn’t know how sex works.
Most men never break their penises as these cases are relatively rare. Then you have Dennis Rodman, who defied these odds and managed to break his penis not once, not twice, but three times.
The first time, Rodman took a running start and jumped “into” his then-girlfriend (he was drunk). As soon as this happened, he heard an audible crack and there was blood “everywhere”. She thought she’d killed him. The two injuries that followed weren’t as foolish, but had the same result. Rodman says his penis now resembles a“f*cked up carrot.” So I guess it’s orange or something.
2. Johnny Knoxville’s ode to a legend causes permanent damage.
If you were to ask me which celebrity would ever severely injure his penis, I’d probably be inclined to say Johnny Knoxville of Jackass fame and I’d be right.
While filming an ode to Evel Knievel for MTV, Knoxville did a backflip on a motorcycle but couldn’t quite land it. Instead, the motorcycle landed directly on his dick. The impact was so severe that the handlebars broke off the bike. “It’s just like a dog’s chew toy down there,” he told Vanity Fair, adding that, even years after the surgery, he must use a catheter twice a day. “It looks like a sock that’s lost its elasticity.”
3. Channing Tatum boils his penis on set.
As you can see, a lot of celebrities have hurt their penises pretty bad. The beautiful Channing Tatum is no different. While filming in a freezing cold climate, a crewmember was tasked with boiling water and bringing it to Tatum to pour down his wet suit so that the actor didn’t completely freeze.
When the film wrapped, this same crewmember forgot to temper this particular bottle of water and absently handed it over to Tatum, who poured it down his wetsuit. “I didn’t have skin on my penis,” he said. “It oddly didn’t scar. It’s a resilient place down there. It healed pretty quick.”
4. An affair to remember.
During your standard affair between a secretary and her boss, the two decided to park at one of Singapore’s scenic parks, where she began giving her man a masterful blowjob. But then a van suddenly struck their vehicle, which caused the 30-year-old to chomp down on her man’s meat, biting it completely off.
Oddly enough, this woman’s husband was suspicious about a possible affair and hired a private investigator to follow her around. As such, he was there when the event had happened and was the one to call for the ambulance.
5. Man is promised oral, receives boxcutter wounds instead.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. A Thai woman, on discovering her man was cheating on her with a good friend, lured her man into a trap, removed his pants and pretended to give him oral sex, but instead savagely attacked his penis with a box-cutter. He then ran into the streets hollering for an ambulance, which eventually came. There is photographic evidence of the event, if you’re so inclined to peak.
6. Wife cuts off cheating husband’s penis. Twice.
OK, so this one’s bad. Real bad. This poor guy’s had his penis cut off twice. Yes, as in more than once. A Chinese man and father of five was sending dirty emails to a woman in his marital home. His error: He forgot to sign out of his account. As such, his wife discovered these messages, and flew into a rage. She grabbed a pair of scissors, entered their bedroom where he was sleeping, and snipped his dick right off. Her husband was then rushed back to the hospital, where his dick was sewn back on.
However, his wife snuck back into the hospital room and cut his cock off again! This time, she discarded his manhood out of a window. The penis wasn’t found and reports suggest a dog or cat might have taken it.
7. Scorned woman “straightens” her man’s penis.
This idiot admits to cheating and agrees on a punishment that involves his girlfriend grilling her man’s penis between her hair straightener, believing the injury would be akin to a sunburn. Instead, he received third-degree burns, with police likening the man’s penis to a “cooked piece of meat.”
8. Dogs eats guy’s dick skin clean off.
On set of an Australian television show Bondi Rescue paramedics witness an injury they claim was the worst they’d ever seen. The victim had taken his friend’s Staffordshire bull terrier to the beach to play catch. Like many of us tend to do, he pretended to throw the ball but instead hid it between his legs. Spotting the ball(s), the dog viciously went in for it and “de-gloved” (a term used by the paramedics on scene) the man’s penis. The injury required roughly 100 stitches, and luckily, his penis is fine.
9. Grab life by the balls.
Australian rugby player Haydn Peacock had his dick nearly torn off by an opposing player who decided to take Peacock down by the balls — literally. The 23-year-old athlete required 11 stitches and surgeons confirm his penis had, in fact, been completely separated from his body.
Somehow, he continued to play until halftime. “I checked on it and the skin is half ripped off and I was like ‘Sh*t, where’s the doctor?’” Peacock played his next game all bandaged up, proving once and for all he’s a total badass.
10. Man accidentally circumcises himself.
This last story is a tale told by my buddy’s girlfriend, who recounts a recent story of her brother’s brutal penis injury, which she reluctantly came face to face with.
Her brother, who was uncircumcised at the time, decided to have unprotected sex for the first time with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, his own inexperience told him he could raw dog her without any foreplay or lubrication. As such, he ripped his foreskin upon entry and bled absolutely everywhere. Having nowhere to turn, he called his sister upstairs. And what she witnessed was pure carnage.
Her brother had a blood-soaked towel over his manhood and was puking into a toilet as a result of all the blood. His sister then had to dress her injured brother and take him to the hospital before he bled out (she’d called her parents in the meantime who basically said: “what the f*ck do you want us to do?) Needless to say, her brother is fine now and is the proud owner of a new, circumcised penis.