Photo: Philipp Guelland (Getty)
When you find out that some other bro is jamming his pork sword in your wife while you’re busting your ass at work or fishing at the lake, there are quite a few paths that will open before your eyes, and many of them lead to a dead end where things can get pretty ugly.
Some of those paths will feature a gun store and liquor depot with a sweet deal on six bottles of Jack Daniels while others will lead you to your wife’s thinner, hotter sister’s house. Or in this case, one of those paths will lead you to your computer so you can post an epic ad on Craigslist that tells the guy who’s humping your wife to at least have the common courtesy to replenish the beer in your fridge after he drinks it.
The post has since been “flagged and removed” by the crew at Craigslist, but thankfully the gang at Barstool Sports captured the rest of this guy’s requests for the dude who’s plowing his wife. Here is the rest of it:
3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.
4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if it’s not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?
5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).
6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.
7. Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.
8. When she asks “do these pants make me look fat”, say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.
9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.
10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.
Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don’t feel rushed.
P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.
Thanks This was not written by anyone named Jack S.
Jackhammering this guy’s wife while he takes care of the kids and goes to work is one thing, but eating the husband’s brownies that his mom made for his birthday after he’s done cleaning himself up with something and throwing it in the laundry basket is where we draw the line. What an asshole.