We all know cats are assholes, but you may not realize you’re being an A-hole if you bring any of these things to a Super Bowl party. While Super Bowl LI may or may not feature one of your favorite NFL teams, it will no doubt feature plenty of assholes who bring their vegan dishes to persuade an otherwise impressionable crowd of drunk rabble rousers.
Whether or not you’re an ass in your regular day to day, here are some things you can avoid bringing to this year’s Super Bowl party, lest you be the A-hole of the Day, a title bestowed upon the guy who forgets to bring his own beer. Join the feast on Sunday, Feb. 5 and see who comes out with fewer brain cells, the Atlanta Falcons or the New England Patriots.
You’re an A-Hole If You Bring Any of These Things to a Super Bowl Party
Unmarked Weed Edibles
Everything was going just fine. You were watching the game with your buds, enjoying some cold beers and hot snacks, waiting for Lady Gaga to inevitably flash her boobs on stage, and then it hit you. Like a bowl of rocks in every cell inside you, it came: the weed. Whoever brought the edibles and didn’t label them, thank you, for I shall spend the remainder of the game huddled in the bathroom like a scared field-goal kicker without his team, probably passing out and waking up late for work the next day. Don’t worry, you can always relive it through all the videos of you crying for it to end.
We don’t care if they taste like Lady Gaga’s goods. It’s the Super Bowl, and cookies were meant to be dirty, messy and extra refined in their sugars. It’s the one day we ignore all health and hygiene so keep those damn gluten-free wafers out of plain sight.
Stupid Selfie Sticks
It’s bad enough there’s always someone taking pictures of you stuffing your face with deep-fried everything with extra dip around the rim of the lips and posting them to the world, but now we have to deal with your selfie stick? Let us watch the halftime show in peace, nobody needs a black eye from an out of control selfie stick. However, somebody in that scenario deserves a black eye, even if it’s a metaphorical one.
Kale, gross! Get it away! It’s bad enough people try to slip it into our smoothies on a regular day, but this is Super Bowl Sunday, the holiest of Sundays. Keep your greens to yourself. We’re not grazers on this day.
Non-GMO Pigs in Blankets
More like turds in a blanket. If you’re going to bring the biggest dick tease of all, tiny wieners, to the party, at least give us all the GMOs you can find.
Soy Cheese Nachos
Vegan nachos, have you ever heard of something so preposterous? They’re meant to be disgusting and filling and impossible to control. How big of a turnoff is it to see soy cheese in place of nacho on your chips? Very big. Let it ride with the cheese, especially if it’s beer cheese, our two favor things.
Incredibly Spicy Anything
Bringing blazing hot anything to the party (of course not getting around to telling everyone) is kind of a dick move. We love wings, and we love our sauces. Why would you screw with us like that? Good luck getting invited to Thanksgiving.
How dare you, combining our two favorite Super Bowl snacks into one, thus ruining them? That’s like taking a dump in the slow cooker, young man. Let’s see how you like it when I bring pumpkin pie mashed potatoes to Thanksgiving. Be very suspicious of anybody who offers to bring two things, even your mother.
Store-Bought Snacks (That Dogs Can Eat Too)
God help you if you sacrifice the taste of cookies so your dog can have them. There is a clear distinction between human treats and dog treats. People who do this are just as likely to bring alchol-free beer their dog can have, too. I love dogs, but not assholes.
If by “leftovers,” you mean my ex-girlfriend (snap! burn!) then be my guest. There’s nothing more comforting than watching someone you used to love now love someone else you used to love. Hey, but also, don’t be the schmuck who “forgot” it was Super Bowl Sunday and decided to bring leftover quiche. You’d be better off bringing nothing, or worse, a veggie tray without any dip, you know, because people love their veggies cold, hard and dry on Super Bowl. Go teams!