How to Have Sex According to Porn

Yeah, I am a professional pipe cleaner, what do you need, Mrs. Robinson?

CraveOnlineby CraveOnline
Photo: LuckyBusiness (Getty Images)

Thanks to the magic of the internet, a lot of young people nowadays get to learn about the miracle of sex way before they try it for the first time in real life. However, we’re not talking about those boring educational sex films you probably slept through in your class; we’re, in fact, talking about one of the most beloved film subindustries – porn. Yes, for years now, porn has been showing us how to have sex like real professionals and the only way we can even begin to express our gratitude for this amazing work is to follow its teachings and pass it on to younger generations. So, here’s a short guide for all of you on how to have sex according to porn.

Buff Up

First thing’s first, if you want to have sex, you need to be buffed up. Everyone knows that only guys with eye-popping biceps and rock-hard six packs get to have sex in life; the others have no business even entertaining the notion of sex. The situation is similar for girls. A trip to the plastic surgeon is a must because you need all kinds of implants to help during the act. Can you even imagine kissing without lip implants? Of course not. So, make sure you invest in those body improvements before trying anything remotely sexual. Needless to say, the guys also have to be quite well-endowed to make their partners gasp at the very sight of their sex organs. If she doesn’t immediately compliment it with the often heard phrase “It’s so big!” is it even worth the bother?

Find a Job

The next thing we need to go over includes the choice of profession. What? You thought that you didn’t need a job to have sex? Well, you are gravely mistaken. According to porn, all sex enthusiasts have proper jobs that they carry out on a daily basis. In fact, it is these jobs that get them laid in the first place. Not to worry, though, there are a number of great jobs to choose from out there and most of them are bound to bring you closer to coitus. For example, if you’re a pizza delivery guy, chances are you’ll run into some very hungry girls who can only pay you with their sex and you will, of course, be too embarrassed to refuse. Or, if you’re a doctor and a hot girl comes in for a regular check-up, it is only natural that you would hit on her and have sex almost immediately. Those are the sex rules.

Pick Up Girls

That being said, even if you’re not in the right walk of life, porn can still show you how to chat up girls like a real alpha male and swoop them off their feet. We’re giving you some gold pieces of advice here, so take notes.

  • Making sexual puns is the fastest way to a girl’s heart. “Do you want me to COME over there and fix your TV?” (trivia: by the way, do you know that ‘come’ is the grammatical way of spelling the word even with this sexual meaning? It was used in this sense since at least 16th centuries and many poets used it profusely)
  • All hot girls are horny and just need something to get them started. “That blouse is quite revealing. Wanna have sex?”
  • The family is an extremely loose term and can only improve the quality of the inescapable sexual act that will follow. “But you’re my step-brother, so we really shouldn’t have done that ten times in a row.”
  • Husbands and wives usually don’t mind and prefer to watch their partners cheat. “Who’s that, honey? Oh, our paper boy. Hi, Jimmy. Don’t mind me.”

Follow the Structure

OK, let’s get to the point. Imagine that you’d passed all these tests and are now about to have sex with someone. What can porn teach you about the act itself?

Firstly, kissing is pretty much overrated. In fact, if you would skip it altogether, that would be great. Next up, you need to know exactly what to do and when. There should be no deviation from the structure or the sex will be ruined and it will all be your fault. Of course, you undress her first to show her all three moves you can do with her breasts. Then (presumably as a reward), she begins to go down on her professionally, of course. After that, you return the favor, hopefully with the same amount of skill or (do we even need to say it?) it’s over. Once this is complete, you move on to the penetration that is only legit if it’s fast, hard and super-energetic. Obviously, if you haven’t done it in about 15 positions within one minute, you shouldn’t have bothered doing it at all. The end is reserved for a delivery to your lover’s face – no exceptions!

Now that you know exactly how to have sex (according to what we saw in porn, though), you’re ready to take on the real deal. Just remember to wear a condom despite your TV tutors rarely do.