Being lazy and unmotivated is a way of life, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in shape for it. Lord knows it’s starting to catch up to me. Four years ago, I bought my parents a Wii-Fit for Christmas. Last year when I was home for the holidays, I decided to dust it off and play some games. When I stood on it, it told me I had gained 30 pounds since I last used it. I’ve never felt more ashamed of my body or video game habits. Since that dreadful day, I made a vow to get back in shape — also find some cheat codes for the Wii-Fit.
Here is my exercise routine. Feel free to customize it to fit your lifestyle:
Exercises For Lazy People
1. Online Arguments
We all know the heart is the most important muscle in your body. So keep it in shape by getting your adrenaline pumping with online arguments on Facebook and Twitter. It’s simple, just find an opinion you violently disagree with, and waste an afternoon hitting the refresh button waiting for responses from people you once referred to as a “friend.”
Tensing and then relaxing those muscles used to hold back your pee are said to make sex more enjoyable when they are in shape. So go ahead and do this exercise at your desk, in your car, anywhere ya want. You can rest assured knowing that the muscles in your genitals are tip-top (even though the rest of your body makes you unf–kable).
3. Sphincter Contractions
Similar to kegels, but for your butthole. Normally these muscles are only put to the test in cases of public diarrhea or holding in a first date fart. But you should have them running like a well-oiled machine year round. Get them into shape by clinching them like you’re pinching off a turd. When you get advanced enough, do supersets alternating between kegels. Pretty soon your butthole, which probably looks like a scrunchie found in your mom’s junk drawer, will look like the lips of Angelina Jolie!
This one secret has most fitness “experts” shaking in their boots. In my opinion, sleeping is the best exercise of them all. You’re burning calories while not consuming calories. It’s the perfect workout. There are even ways to calculate how many calories your burn each night. Work your way up to sleeping past lunch, eat a sensible fast food dinner and then go right back to bed. You’ve just cut out two calorie heavy meals. You’ll be on the cover of Men’s Health any day now.
5. Brain Cleanse
Working out is just as mental as it is physical. At least, I think I saw that on an Instagram post or something. We all know someone who does those stupid cleanses where they just drink some disgusting liquid to “purify” their liver or something. Well, your brain needs to be cleansed, too. I recommend watching three or four seasons of a show on Netflix. However, the content of the show is very important; you shouldn’t watch a documentary or anything that makes you think. Unless, of course, you are gearing up for an online argument. In that case, watch documentaries.
6. Finger Treadmill
Most workout tips tell you to hit the major muscle groups, but ask yourself: what muscles you use the most? Do you need the ability to squat 400 pounds, or do you need to type for hours a day? If your job requires you to use a computer, you’re going to want your fingers to be up for the task. I recommend a finger treadmill. Use your smartphone to scroll through all the posts and pictures of the girl who broke up with you in college. Now you have rock hard fingers and the anxiety and depression have curbed your appetite. Pretty soon, you’ll be as chiseled as one of the survivors of Naked and Afraid.
7. Eye Exercises
Eye fatigue is a serious issue. So we need to keep our peepers in shape by giving them a workout. The exercise if pretty simple: Stare at your computer screen for 20 minutes, then stare off into the distance and think of all the mistakes you’ve made in your life. That’s one rep. Repeat this for eight hours at your job.
Laughing is a great workout for your abs and it’s so easy to do. But here’s a tip: your abs don’t know the difference between laughing and sobbing. So if you aren’t in the mindset to laugh, go ahead and sob! Your abs will thank you.